Anxious preoccupied attachment: signs, causes, and how to cope
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn about anxious preoccupied attachment, including its causes and common signs. Plus, 4 treatment and coping tips for people with anxious preoccupied attachments
It’s normal to feel insecure from time to time, especially when it comes to the relationships in our lives. These natural feelings of insecurity can cause us to question where we stand. Do they like me? Did I say something weird? Am I skilled enough for this role?
But, while a bit of anxiety is to be expected in relationships, some people may struggle with greater than average feelings of insecurity because of their attachment style.
If you often feel insecure in your relationship—maybe worrying your partner doesn’t truly love you or isn’t being honest—this might be due, in part, to an anxious preoccupied attachment style. This attachment style can lead to feelings of clinginess or dependent behaviors, which can create challenges in relationships.
If this sounds familiar, either for you or someone you know, try not to worry. You can learn to overcome your insecurities to enjoy more fulfilling connections with others — and with yourself.
What is anxious preoccupied attachment?
Anxious preoccupied attachment is an attachment style where you often feel insecure and anxious about your relationships, especially romantic ones.
The theory behind attachment styles was developed by psychologist John Bowlby, PhD, who described four main types of attachment — secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant. These are thought to be heavily influenced by our early childhood experiences.
Characteristics of anxious preoccupied attachment
Anxious preoccupied attachment may be rooted in a deep-seated fear of abandonment or even a feeling that you’re unworthy of love. This could manifest as worrying that your loved ones will leave you or stop caring about you, which might lead you to seek constant reassurance. You might find yourself texting or calling someone frequently, needing consistent affirmations of love, or feeling upset if the person doesn’t respond right away.
Constant worry and fear of abandonment can lead to high levels of stress, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These emotional struggles can affect romantic relationships, friendships, and family relationships.
Impact on relationships
When your partner is unavailable or doesn’t meet your emotional needs, you may feel intense distress. If this distress and emotional turmoil leads to clinginess that makes your partner feel overwhelmed, it can put a strain on the relationship. They may even pull away, which can make your fears even more extreme.
Causes of anxious preoccupied attachment
Anxious preoccupied attachment can develop for many reasons, and childhood influences are thought to be a particularly strong factor. Learning more about the causes of this attachment style can help you to pinpoint the moment it may have begun to take shape in your—or someone else’s—life.
Early childhood experiences
Inconsistent caregiving: If caregivers are inconsistent in responding to a child when they have a need, the child may become anxious and unsure of whether their needs will be met. For example, if a child cries but isn’t consoled, they may avoid crying altogether or learning to self-soothe in other ways.
Unpredictable parenting: Caregivers who are sometimes nurturing and attentive but other times neglectful or unresponsive can create confusion and anxiety in children, as it teaches the child not to know what to expect from their parents.
High levels of conflict: The instability and lack of emotional security in environments with frequent family conflict may cause anxious attachment.
Parenting styles
Overprotective parenting: Parents may unknowingly prevent a child from developing their own independence by being too protective and not allowing their child to experience and explore life. This can lead to anxiety about separation in kids and an overreliance on others for reassurance.
Neglectful parenting: Neglectful or emotionally unavailable parents can make a child feel abandoned and insecure. Feelings of abandonment can lead to mistrust in future relationships, and emotional unavailability can lead to being emotionally stunted, closed off, or difficult to get to know, which may spark loneliness and isolation.
Significant life events
Loss of a loved one: The death of a close family member or friend, especially during childhood, can lead to feelings of abandonment and anxiety.
Divorce or separation: Parents divorcing or separating may cause disruption to a child’s sense of security and stability and can impact their behavior and mental health throughout their lives.
Frequent relocations: Moving often can disrupt social and emotional connections, leading to feelings of insecurity and anxiety when it comes to forming connections and maintaining them.
Emotional trauma
Abuse or neglect: Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can cause children to develop anxious preoccupied attachment as a result of their trauma and the lack of a safe and secure environment.
Witnessing domestic violence: Fear and insecurity can contribute to an anxious attachment style, especially when it’s sparked by seeing or hearing instances of violence.
Genetic factors
Inherited traits: Research suggests that children may have genetic tendencies toward anxiety and emotional sensitivity from their parents.
Cultural influences
Cultural norms and values: Cultural attitudes toward parenting, independence, and emotional expression can influence the development of attachment styles. Cultures that emphasize close family bonds and interdependence may see higher instances of anxious preoccupied attachment than cultures that prioritize independence and individuality.
TL;DR - What are the signs of anxious preoccupied attachment?
Fear of abandonment, especially that your partner might leave or lose interest
Constant need for reassurance that you’re loved and valued
Doubting your partner’s loyalty or honesty, because you have difficulty trusting others
Low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness can make you feel you’re not good enough
Scrutinizing every word, gesture, or action from your partner, looking for signs of disinterest
Constantly thinking about your partner and the status of your relationship, neglecting personal interests and responsibilities
Struggling to move on or attempting to rekindle a relationship when it ends for fear of not having a partner’s reassurance
3 effects of anxious preoccupied attachment on relationships
Anxious preoccupied attachment can create challenges for both partners to navigate. From an excess of dependency to conflict and other toxic behaviors, this attachment style can do more harm than good if not addressed individually and together as a couple.
1. Dependency
If you’re overly dependent on a partner for emotional support and validation, it can put a strain on the relationship, as the partner may feel overwhelmed by the constant need for attention and reassurance.
Constant need for contact: Frequently texting or calling, seeking reassurance and connection
Difficulty being alone: Struggling with spending time apart, or feeling anxious or distressed when you’re not together
Over-reliance on a partner for mental health or self-worth: Relying heavily on your partner for emotional support or a boost in self-esteem, leading to feelings of imbalance or suffocation for your partner
2. Conflict
The intense need for reassurance can lead to misunderstandings, and can damage trust and mutual respect.
Jealousy and suspicion: Becoming jealous and suspicious of your partner's interactions with others, which can lead to arguments and tension
Misunderstandings: Overanalyzing your partner's words and actions, and interpreting neutral interactions as signs of rejection or disinterest
Emotional volatility: Intense reactions during disagreements, making it difficult to resolve conflicts calmly and constructively
3. Cycles of closeness and distance
Anxious preoccupied attachment often results in a push-pull dynamic within relationships, where cycles of intense closeness are followed by periods of distance. This isn’t an easy dynamic to maintain, and it isn’t a healthy one.
Seeking closeness: Craving intense physical and emotional closeness with your partner, including constant reassurance and affection
Fear of rejection: Fear of abandonment can lead to excessive clinginess, jealousy, or controlling behavior
Creating distance: If you sense your partner pulling away, you may distance yourself to try to protect yourself, leading to further feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
How to treat anxious preoccupied attachment in 4 steps
Dealing with anxious preoccupied attachment can be challenging, but with the right strategies, you can learn to manage your anxiety and build healthier relationships.
1. Cultivate a sense of self-awareness
By understanding your attachment style and recognizing the behaviors that come with it, you can begin to make positive changes, observe your thoughts and feelings, and become more aware.
Think about how your attachment style has influenced your behavior and emotions in past relationships. Identify patterns of anxiety, neediness, or fear of abandonment.
Journal about your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in your current relationship to help you identify triggers and understand how your attachment style may be affecting you.
Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your attachment style. They can provide valuable insights and help you see your behaviors from a different perspective.
💙 See yourself more clearly with The Daily Jay’s True Reflections meditation.
2. Practice healthy and open communication
Healthy communication can help you express your needs without overwhelming your partner and can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.
Express your needs and feelings without being demanding or aggressive. Use "I" statements to communicate how you feel and what you need. For example, you can say, "I feel anxious when I don't hear from you and need reassurance.”
Actively listen to your partner's perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Show empathy and understanding, and validate their feelings.
Set boundaries to ensure both partners' needs are met. Respect your partner's need for space and independence while also communicating your own needs for closeness and reassurance.
💙 Explore how using thoughtful questions can bring about Deeper Communication in your relationship during this session with Jay Shetty.
3. Seek out therapy as needed
Professional therapy can help you understand and manage anxious preoccupied attachment by having someone to discuss your feelings with and by coming up with tactics and tips to manage, cope, and overcome.
Exploring cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors, so you can develop healthier ways of thinking and reacting in relationships.
Trying attachment-based therapy can help you explore the roots of your attachment style and develop more secure attachment behaviors.
If your attachment style is affecting your relationship, try couples therapy to help you understand each other and improve communication.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationship to cultivate trust and compassion.
4. Prioritize self-care and mindfulness to help you cope
Improving your emotional wellbeing can help you feel more secure and less dependent on your partner.
Pursue hobbies and interests that bring you happiness and fulfillment. This can help build your self-esteem and provide a sense of accomplishment and independence.
Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, to help you stay present, lower anxiety, and manage stress and emotional reactions. These 12 relaxation ideas are a good place to start.
Focus on getting regular exercise, a healthy diet, and good sleep to support your wellbeing and help reduce anxiety.
💙 Relax with the Breath with this short breath work practice to help you stay present and center mindfulness.
Anxious preoccupied attachment FAQs
How do you date someone with anxious preoccupied attachment?
Dating someone with anxious preoccupied attachment requires patience, understanding, and clear communication.
Offer reassurance through simple gestures like affectionate texts, compliments, and physical touch. Find out their love language and learn more about how they feel loved.
Create a safe space for your partner to express their fears and anxieties. Listen actively and without judgment.
Clearly communicate your own needs and boundaries. Ensure both partners have time for themselves and respect each other's space.
Avoid giving mixed signals and try to be reliable and predictable in your behavior.
Remember to prioritize your own mental health. Ultimately, the stronger you feel mentally, the easier it will be for you to offer the reassurance your partner craves.
If their attachment style is causing significant distress, encourage them to seek professional help to manage anxiety and develop healthier attachment behaviors.
Can anxious preoccupied attachment change over time?
Anxious preoccupied attachment can change over time with self-awareness, effort, and support. Self-reflection and personal development can help you learn to understand and manage your attachment style. You could try journaling, mindfulness, and self-care to support your journey. These 10 questions can guide your self-reflection practice. A stable and supportive relationship with a partner who has a secure attachment style can also help you feel more secure over time.
Learning about attachment theory and understanding anxious preoccupied attachment can empower you to make positive changes in your relationships. If you’d like to address some of the underlying issues, cognitive behavioral therapy or attachment-based therapy can help you achieve that and develop more secure attachment behaviors.
Who is the best partner for anxious preoccupied attachment style?
A partner with a secure attachment style is often the best match for someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment.
Emotional stability: Those with a secure attachment style are generally more emotionally stable and can provide the reassurance and consistency anxious attachment styles may need to feel secure.
Effective communication: Securely attached partners tend to communicate openly, which can help address and relieve anxieties.
Balanced independence: People with secure attachment styles can maintain their independence while still being emotionally available, helping create a healthy balance in the relationship.
Which attachment style falls in love quickly?
People with anxious preoccupied attachment are likely to fall in love quickly due to their strong desire for closeness and connection, as well as their fear of being alone. They may idealize their partner early in the relationship and seek a deep emotional bond early on. This can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations and potential disappointment if the relationship doesn’t progress as they hoped.
What attachment styles go best together?
Secure attachment styles generally go best together. Both partners typically trust each other and feel comfortable relying on one another. They tend to communicate openly and honestly, which can help resolve conflicts and strengthen the relationship. Securely attached people are also usually capable of managing their own emotions and supporting their partner's emotional needs without becoming overwhelmed.
However, relationships between people with different attachment styles can also be successful.
Anxious and secure: The secure partner can provide the reassurance and stability the anxious partner needs.
Avoidant and secure: The secure partner can respect the avoidant partner’s need for space while still maintaining emotional closeness.
Anxious and avoidant: With mutual effort and professional support, partners can learn to balance their differing needs for closeness and independence.
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