Emotional cheating: signs, causes, and how to avoid it
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Discover what emotional cheating is, including signs you or your partner is having an emotional affair. Plus, how to avoid emotional cheating in relationships.
When you think of cheating in a relationship, a physical connection that breaks trust might be top of mind — as opposed to a platonic, emotional attachment. The truth, however, is that the definition of infidelity may vary from person to person, and couple to couple.
For some couples, the boundaries between fidelity and infidelity could be physical like kissing or being sexually intimate with another person. For others, engaging in non-physical intimacy, often known as emotional cheating, is one step too far.
What is emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating happens when a person develops a personal attachment to someone outside of their relationship. In these kinds of interactions, the committed person might develop feelings of intimacy, or adopt behaviors that are typically reserved just for their partner. This might involve sharing the kind of personal thoughts, feelings, and secrets usually kept safe within the confines of the relationship.
While an emotional affair may not be the traditional definition of cheating, this secondary connection might be just as damaging to a relationship as physical infidelity. When one person is having an emotional affair, it can throw off the balance of trust, intimacy, romantic interest, and exclusivity that are often prized in healthy relationships.
It should be noted that monogamy is not for everyone, and there are many couples who engage in healthy non-monogamous relationships that involve clear communication and boundaries. For some non-monogamous couples, secondary sexual partners are permitted while romantic feelings and romantic connections are not allowed. In these cases, emotional connections outside the primary relationship might be equally problematic for non-monogamous couples.
Why emotional cheating causes damage
Even if they’re physically platonic, emotional affairs can create a bond that takes precedence over the primary relationship, knocking that primary romantic partner to the back burner.
These emotional bonds often mirror the early stages of dating, before partners have been physically intimate. The get-to-know-you phases of dating are chock-full of deep conversations or time spent together where attraction or sexual tension are growing. They may also involve confiding, sharing, and generally building a loving bond.
While an emotional affair might feel like a perfectly innocent way to seek out emotional excitement, forming an intimate attachment to a person outside of a monogamous relationship can lead to feelings of betrayal, a broken trust, and even emotional damage within the existing relationship.
Emotional connections and types of intimacy
Emotional cheating can start off as a casual interaction, as it’s perfectly normal to have platonic friends outside of a relationship. However, if these interactions with friends become more personal and frequent, it can lead to a stronger emotional bond that negatively affects existing romantic relationships that one or both people may be in.
While emotional cheating can begin in a myriad of ways, here are a few of the most common gateways:
Prioritizing non-partners emotionally: Finding oneself feeling closer to a friend or acquaintance than with a partner can lead to problems.
Sharing feelings: Discussing personal problems, fears, or dreams primarily with a person other than the partner can lead to a distortion of intimacy.
Seeking comfort and support: Relying on someone other than a partner for one’s primary emotional support means that the partner is no longer the first person being sought out for comfort.
Inside jokes or shared experiences: Developing a close connection through the hobbies or activities that two friends enjoy that don’t include the partner can drive a wedge between the two romantic partners.
The difference between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair
Having friends outside of a relationship is healthy and natural as friendships generally provide social support, shared interests, and personal growth opportunities. If, however, those connections begin to feel a bit “more than friends,” you may want to check in with yourself. The main difference between being platonic friends and having an emotional affair might be the presence of a palpable sexual tension or romantic attraction.
Another distinct difference relates to whether or not the friend could be romantically attracted to you. If you’re a woman in a cis-hetero romantic relationship, it’s unlikely that your romantic relationship would be negatively impacted by a male friend who prefers male partners. If, however, you have close friendships with other hetero men, it may benefit you to keep an eye on how close you become.
A platonic friendship and an emotional affair can sometimes appear similar, but there are important differences.
Boundaries: People typically don’t share intimate details or emotional support with a friend in a way that would make their partner uncomfortable. If you’ve had a bad day and you find yourself texting a special friend while your partner is sitting in the same room with you, eager to know how you are, you may be crossing some boundaries.
Emotional intimacy: While friends share common interests and support each other, emotional affairs involve a deeper emotional intimacy that's typically reserved for a romantic partner. Sharing intimate details of life, or even sexual preferences or fantasties may be verging into emotional affair territory.
Prioritization: In an emotional affair, the emotional connection with the other person is prioritized over your relationship with your partner. In a platonic friendship, the primary relationship remains the priority.
Transparency: In a healthy friendship, you’re open about the friendship with your partner. Emotional cheating involves hiding the secondary relationship or downplaying its importance.
Balance: Friendships complement your romantic relationship without taking away from the time and attention you give your partner. But emotional cheating often leads to neglecting your partner.
Intentions: Emotional cheating may mean intentionally seeking deeper connection with another person, potentially harming your primary relationship.
It should be noted that if you ever find yourself in an abusive relationship, sharing your experiences with people outside of that relationship can be vitally important for your safety and mental health. If a romantic partner is ever being emotionally or physically abusive, seek support immediately.
6 root causes of emotional cheating
The reasons why people enter into emotional affairs can vary, but there are a few common reasons why a person might seek emotional connection outside of their romantic relationship. In many cases these reasons may signal that the existing romantic relationship is in need of a little TLC. If one partner begins leaning into an emotional affair, it can be a good wake up call for the relationship.
1. Unmet emotional needs
When one partner feels that their emotional needs aren’t being met within the relationship, they may seek fulfillment from someone else who can offer the emotional connection they crave. This can happen due to issues with communication, emotional support, or even intimacy.
2. Feeling dissatisfied in the relationship
Ongoing conflicts, lack of quality time together, or differences in values and goals can mean people feel unhappy in their relationship. This can lead them to seek comfort and happiness from someone who isn’t their partner.
3. Personal insecurities
Struggles with low self-esteem or another unresolved personal issue may cause someone to look for validation and reassurance from someone else. Receiving attention and admiration from another person can give their self-worth a boost, even if it damages their primary relationship.
4. Opportunities for close connections
Spending a lot of time with someone else, such as a coworker, friend, or online contact, can bring plenty of opportunities to form a close emotional bond. When people share daily experiences, challenges, and successes, they can develop a deep connection that—without clear boundaries—can evolve into emotional affairs.
5. Lack of boundaries
Without defining what’s acceptable in friendships and interactions outside the relationship, it’s easy for a friendly relationship to become too intimate. This can mean they cross the line into emotional cheating.
6. Seeking excitement and novelty
The routine and familiarity of a long-term relationship can sometimes lead to boredom, and you might even feel stuck in a rut. But a new emotional connection can bring excitement and novelty that have been missing from the primary relationship.
What are the signs of emotional cheating?
The best way to avoid someone straying from their monogamous relationship is clear communication. If you feel like your partner is unhappy and might be seeking attention or validation elsewhere, it’s important to talk openly with them about your fears and put a plan together on how to rectify the situation, or consider ending the relationship if needed.
Here are some behaviors that might signal that it’s time to talk with your partner:
Excessive secrecy
When someone is having an emotional affair, they may become secretive about their communication with the person in question. This could manifest as them leaving the room to take phone calls or answer texts. It could also involve them deleting texts, emails, or social media messages to hide evidence of the connection. In other cases, they might keep details about the friendship vague when asked.
Frequent communication
A key indicator of emotional cheating is frequent communication with someone outside the relationship. This could manifest as them constantly taking calls from or texting someone you aren’t familiar with. They might even have these conversations late at night while you’re sleeping, or during times of day when you might be out of the house. If you notice your partner is delayed in responding to you but seems to answer certain texts or calls right away, this could be an indicator of emotional cheating. With that said, open communication with your partner is always beneficial and can help reduce feelings of paranoia if you’re concerned.
Emotional distancing
When someone steps back from the closeness of their relationship, it can indicate emotional cheating. You might feel that they are less emotionally available, or that they’re less interested in being physically intimate with you. You could also notice signs of emotional withdrawal such as wanting to spend less time together or being less engaged in shared activities.
TL;DR - Signs your partner may be having an emotional affair
If you notice these behaviors, you may want to have a calm, non-accusatory conversation with your partner about your concerns.
Increased time with someone else: Spending more time with a particular person, either in person or online, and often talking about them.
Defensiveness when questioned: Becoming defensive, irritated, or secretive when asked about their relationship with the other person.
Changes in behavior or routine: New habits, a shift in daily routines, or taking an unusual interest in their appearance.
Protectiveness over devices: Going to unusual lengths to hide their phone or messages, beyond usual personal privacy.
Emotional comparison: Comparing their partner to the other person, often in a way that puts their partner in a negative light.
How to avoid emotional cheating in relationships: 5 mindful tips
With these mindful strategies, you can build a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner and reduce the risk of emotional infidelity.
1. Encourage open communication
Talk regularly: Chat with your partner about your day and your feelings. Confide in them about any concerns you have to help build a strong emotional connection and prevent misunderstandings.
Express your needs: Clearly communicate your emotional needs and encourage your partner to do the same, so you can support each other better.
Listen actively: Pay attention to what your partner says and show empathy to help make your partner feel heard and valued. Ask them to do the same for you.
💙 Try practicing Kind Communication with this session from our Love and Relationships series.
2. Stay emotionally intimate
Spend quality time together: Think about the things you both love doing and dedicate more time to them. Try date nights, days out, or hobbies at home that can help you keep your emotional connection.
Be appreciative: Show your partner you’re grateful for their presence in your life. Small gestures, like saying thank you or giving compliments, can help strengthen your bond.
Be affectionate: Holding hands, cuddling, or other kinds of physical touch, can enhance emotional intimacy and make both partners feel more connected.
💙 If your relationship needs a little TLC check out Nurturing Relationships from our Relationship with Others Series.
3. Set boundaries with others
Define acceptable behavior: Discuss and agree on what’s acceptable in terms of friendships and interactions with others. Clear boundaries can help prevent misunderstandings and protect your relationship. If you’re in an open relationship, clearly define what is allowed and what is not allowed if you’re exploring secondary connections.
Discuss one on one interactions with your partner: If you’ll be spending time one on one with another person, chat with your partner about how they feel about it. Especially if there’s potential for an attraction there. Having friendships is healthy and communicating with your partner can help reduce miscommunications.
Be transparent: Chat to your partner about your interactions with others. Transparency builds trust and reduces the risk of emotional cheating.
💙 Learn how to establish Boundaries that support the emotional health of your relationship.
4. Practice mindfulness and meditation
Be fully present with your partner: Put away distractions to help deepen your connection and appreciate each other more.
Improve emotional awareness: Use meditation to become more aware of your feelings and how they affect your relationship to help you address issues before they escalate.
Cultivate deeper connections: Focus on your partner's needs and feelings through mindfulness, which can help you nurture a stronger emotional bond.
💙 If practicing mindfulness is new to you, explore Mindfulness for Beginners with Jeff Warren.
5. Seek professional help when needed
Consider couples therapy: If you’re facing challenges in your relationship, seek help from a therapist for tools and strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
Attend workshops or seminars: Learn new skills in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Read relationship books: Educate yourself with authors that offer tips on building strong, lasting partnerships.
Emotional cheating FAQs
What qualifies as emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating happens when a person forms a close, intimate bond with someone other than their partner where there is some kind of physical or sexual attraction. This bond can also involve sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and secrets that might usually be reserved for their partner. Some behaviors may include secrecy, prioritizing the other person over the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on the other person.
How can couples rebuild trust after emotional cheating?
Rebuilding trust after emotional cheating can be done. It needs effort and commitment from both partners to create the kind of relationship that fulfills them both.
Open communication: Have honest and transparent conversations about what happened, why it happened, and how it affected both partners.
Apologize and forgive: Give a sincere apology and work toward forgiveness.
Establish boundaries: Set clear boundaries to prevent future emotional cheating. This includes defining what’s acceptable in terms of friendships and interactions with others.
Communicate: Discuss issues and find ways to move forward in a safe space.
Be patient: Be consistent as you work to restore the relationship.
Show commitment: Spend quality time together, be emotionally available, and be transparent about interactions with others.
Can emotional cheating lead to physical cheating?
Emotional cheating can sometimes lead to physical cheating. As an emotional connection deepens, physical attraction may develop, increasing the likelihood of physical infidelity. Spending significant time together and sharing personal confidences can create opportunities for physical intimacy. The blurred boundaries in an emotional affair can make it easier to cross the line into physical cheating.
What makes a man or woman emotionally cheat?
People might emotionally cheat for various reasons. If a man or woman feels emotionally neglected or unfulfilled in his relationship, they might seek connection elsewhere. Ongoing conflicts, lack of quality time, or dissatisfaction with the relationship can drive them to find emotional support from another person. Low self-esteem or unresolved personal issues may also lead someone to seek validation and reassurance from someone other than their partner.
Spending a lot of time with someone else, such as a coworker or friend, can provide opportunities for forming an emotional bond. The routine of a long-term relationship might feel dull, and an emotional affair can offer excitement and novelty.
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