Feeling sorry for yourself? Here’s how to stop the self-pity party
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
We all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. But wallowing in self-pity can often make things worse. The next time self-pity strikes, try these 10 empowering tips.
We’ve all had days when nothing seems to go right — maybe you spilled your coffee in the morning, learned you were passed over for a promotion at work, and got stuck in a downpour on your way home. In those moments, it’s natural to feel sorry for yourself.
But, if you tell yourself repeatedly that the universe has it out for you, you may start to believe it. This can lead to self-pity, which can prevent you from seeking out solutions to your problems and ultimately, moving forward. Instead, you may wallow in your sorrow, feeling stuck and helpless, which can damage your self-esteem and your relationships.
What is self-pity?
When someone wallows in self-pity, they may be so unhappy about their misfortunes that they can’t stop obsessing over them. In fact, they’re often so focused on what’s gone wrong that they fail to see potential solutions. They may also want others to feel sorry for them, which can strain relationships, as people might feel overwhelmed by their emotional needs or frustrated by their inability to move forward.
It’s really important to note that there’s a difference between self-pity and healthy emotional processing. Unlike self-pity, when someone is experiencing healthy emotional processing, they acknowledge their feelings and take steps to address them.
For example, say you’re feeling sad because you didn’t do well on a test, healthy processing would involve talking about your feelings and then making a plan to study differently next time. Self-pity would mean continuously focusing on how unfair the test was and feeling stuck.
Notice that healthy processing puts the responsibility on the person to learn and make changes, where self-pity can involve blaming external forces, putting the person in the role of victim.
What causes self-pity? 5 reasons you might feel sorry for yourself
We’ve all had days where we feel sorry for ourselves and major bouts of self-pity can honestly strike for any number of reasons. With that said, there are a few common experiences that tend to bring it up.
Unexpected challenges: Life can be unpredictable, and sudden changes or challenges can make us feel overwhelmed.
Failures or setbacks: Experiencing failure can be discouraging and might lead us to dwell on our difficulties.
Low self-esteem: Not believing in ourselves can make us more likely to focus on our (perceived) flaws and misfortunes.
Past traumas: Unresolved past hurts can make it harder to cope with new challenges.
Unresolved emotional issues: Ongoing emotional issues, such as anxiety or sadness, can make it harder to see the positive side of things.
Examples of self-pity: 5 telltale signs you’re feeling sorry for yourself
Self-pity isn’t a one size fits all situation. It can look different for different people and can also change based on the situation at hand. Here are some examples of what it can look like IRL.
1. Constant complaining
Life isn’t always easy. There are challenges and often things don’t feel fair. While it’s totally valid to feel frustrated, sad, or angry about whatever curveballs life throws your way, if you find yourself stuck in an unbroken loop of complaining, there’s a chance you might be feeling sorry for yourself.
2. Avoiding responsibility
We’ve all been caught in moments where we’ve made a mistake and we just don’t want to own it. If you flubbed a work project, or flunked a test, you might want to point a finger at others so you don’t have to deal with holding yourself accountable. These moments are common when we’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or underappreciated, but if you’re feeling this way on the regular, you might need to leave the self-pity party.
3. Feeling like a victim
You know the drill here. If you catch yourself repeating phrases like “this always happens to me,” “I’m cursed,” or “everyone has it out for me!” you might be suffering from a case of victimization. We get it. Sometimes it really does feel like the world is out to get us, but a victim-based mentality is probably only going to keep us more stuck. Time to empower ourselves.
4. Seeking validation
There are no two ways about it, some days we just really need others to validate us. But when this becomes a habit, or a necessity, it can be a problem. We know that external validation can feel good, but it’s not the only way to feel good. If you find that you can’t get out of a negative experience unless someone else tells you you’re okay, you might be stuck in victim-mode.
5. Dwelling on past mistakes
We all have moments in our past that are totally cringe. That hairstyle in 7th grade? Not taking a semester abroad in college? Just straight up not flossing? What were we thinking!? It’s normal to look back on your mistakes with regret, but if you find yourself ruminating on past foibles all the time, this could be a sign that you’re in a self-pity holding pattern.
The difference between self-pity and sadness or depression
While they might feel similar in some moments, self-pity differs from sadness and depression in a few key ways.
Sadness is a natural emotional response to life's ups and downs. You might feel sad immediately after something distressing has happened like a friend moving away, retiring from a career, or a relationship ending. This sadness may improve as you learn to adjust to your new situation and is often a temporary feeling that you can process healthily.
Depression is a more prolonged, clinical condition that often numbs feelings altogether. When dealing with symptoms of depression, you may not want to do anything at all and that might include taking care of yourself, getting out of bed, preparing nourishing meals, or exercising. If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, it can help to talk to a healthcare provider and consider your options. Additionally, here are 12 ways to help you cope with depression.
Self-pity on the other hand, takes on a more self-centered, indulgent tone where you may feel like life isn’t fair, or you may crave external validation for your woes. Picture a toddler who knows their tantrum isn’t getting them what they want but decides to double down anyway.
Unlike sadness, which can lead to healing, or depression, which requires proactive treatment, self-pity can trap you in a loop of victimhood that can be harder to break the longer you remain in it. So this begs the question, how do you get out of that loop?
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself in 10 empowering ways
It’s natural to feel sorry for yourself every now and then, but major periods of self-pity aren’t healthy or helpful. If you find yourself in a cycle of self-pity, remind yourself that you have the power to shift away from that. When you’re ready to start making positive changes, these strategies can help.
1. Work toward accepting your feelings
Acceptance isn’t easy, but you can start by acknowledging your feelings and reminding yourself that it's okay to feel upset sometimes. Taking time to write in a journal or talk to a close friend about what you’re going through may help you start to accept and process your emotions—allowing you to move past them.
Try this: Set aside 10 minutes each day to write out all your feelings in a journal — the messier the better. This can help you identify patterns and track any progress in your mindset.
💙 Tune into this meditation on Deep Acceptance to help you embrace your present experience and the feelings associated with it.
2. Give yourself a gentle push
If you’re stuck in a self-pity rut, it can be hard to figure out how to get out of it. Sometimes the easiest way to stop feeling like a victim is to flip the script. We’re not suggesting you ignore how you’re feeling, just try reframing how you’re thinking and talking to yourself about your current situation.
Try this: When you catch yourself thinking negatively, pause and say something kind to yourself, like, "It's okay to feel this way. I'm doing my best." Then maybe challenge yourself to change things up and find one positive lesson from your experience.
💙 Check out this session from Jay Shetty to learn more about The Path of Self-Compassion.
3. Do something about it (even something small)
If you’re feeling stuck in self-pity, take action (any action!) to get you back in motion. This could mean doing something for your mental health like journaling, or even something that’s on your to-do list like washing the dishes or making your bed. Hoping to get into journaling? These seven tips can get you started.
Try this: When you’re feeling stuck, any action that gets you moving again is a good action to take. This could be a literal action like going for a walk, or even something as simple as clearing out your desk drawers. Being proactive can help you move away from feeling sorry for yourself.
💙 If you feel overwhelmed with too much on your plate, try to settle down by single-tasking.
4. Shift your self-talk to improve your mood
One way to bust out of self-pity is to find the positives in your current situation and change your self-talk. This can either be done by choosing to shift your perspective, or even replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
Try this: If you’re struggling with projects at work, rather than beating yourself up, try a positive affirmation like, “I am learning and growing and can always ask for help.” Or if that voice in your head keeps saying, “I’m a failure!” try changing the thought to, “I’m doing my best and I’m always learning.”
💙 Need help with your inner dialogue? Jay Shetty’s Shift Your Self-Talk session can help.
5. Shake it off (literally)
Sometimes we hold so much tension in our body that the only way to get it out is to force it out. Movement can help us shake up those stubborn negative feelings and thoughts which can help us let them go and change our inner landscape.
Try this: Feeling stuck in self-pity might require you to physically unstick yourself. Actually shaking your body can help you tune back in physically, give you an outlet for frustration, and help loosen up any tensed muscles.
💙 Learn the ins and outs of how to actually Shake it Off with this Daily Trip session with Jeff Warren.
6. Find something that gives you purpose and perspective
If you’re feeling down on yourself, it can help to connect with friends or community. Depending on your interest you could look into local book clubs, running clubs, even community gardens. Adding community service to your weekly routine could also be a gratifying way to get out of your own worries and turn your focus towards helping others. Being part of your community can help you feel a sense of belonging and self-confidence.
Try this: Look for local or online support groups related to your specific challenges. Being part of a community can provide motivation and comfort.
💙 Working with Thoughts can help you shift your perspective from a negative place to a more uplifting one.
7. Practice mindfulness meditation to deal with negative thoughts
If you’ve been feeling stuck and frustrated, mindfulness meditation can help you stop obsessing over what went wrong and focus on the present moment. The sooner you move away from the “woulds” and “shoulds” of the past the quicker you can move into the present and position your thoughts forward towards new possibilities.
Try this: The next time you’re caught in a swirl of self-pity, try the STOP technique. Literally stop what you’re doing, take a breath, observe what you’re feeling, maybe take a moment to nurture yourself (have a glass of water, connect with a pet or loved one,) then proceed. It’s as simple as that.
💙 If mindfulness practices are new to you, explore Mindfulness for Beginners with Jeff Warren.
8. Limit social media if self-comparison makes you feel less than
If looking at other folk’s social media feeds makes you feel worse about your own situation, give yourself a set amount of time that you engage with them, or close your apps. You can also unfollow any accounts that might be triggering or use the mute button.
Try this: Designate specific times each day for social media use, and use apps that limit your screen time. If you start to feel triggered or upset, log off.
💙 Do you feel like you’re addicted to your phone? Explore our Social Media & Screen Addiction masterclass to break the habit.
9. Replace pity with gratitude
Sometimes the best way to get out of the pity party is to push yourself into the gratitude pool. When you focus on what you’re thankful for, it’s much harder to feel sorry for yourself, so this alone can help shift your mindset dramatically.
Try this: Pick a time of day to practice gratitude. It can be first thing in the morning when you wake up, while you’re enjoying your lunch break, or at night before you go to bed. Come up with five things you’re grateful for that day, there’s no wrong answers! It could be as grand as your best friend, or partner, or as small as the fact that you had a good hair day. Just tune in to what you feel grateful for and see if you feel a shift in your mindset.
10. Try a new hobby you can get passionate about
Activities like painting, writing, or playing music can be great outlets for your emotions. When you’re having a moment of self-pity, try channeling it into a painting, or a piece of pottery. Maybe even a cool succulent planter, or herb garden. Creative hobbies are a wonderful way to explore your passions and can also help you express emotions, finding calm in the process.
Try this: Set aside time each week for a creative activity you enjoy. This can be a great way to relax and express yourself. Always wanted to learn to watercolor? Just order that set of paints and a pad of watercolor paper. When it arrives in the mail, take 10 minutes to explore it.
💙 Learn about The Power of Hobbies and how to find ones that can help you feel happier.
If all else fails, consider therapy or counseling
If you find it hard to overcome feelings of self-pity on your own, consider seeking professional help. A therapist or counselor can help you address underlying issues and develop effective coping strategies. Look for a licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) as these approaches can be particularly effective in managing self-pity.
Feeling sorry for yourself FAQs
How can I differentiate between healthy emotional expression and self-pity?
Healthy emotional expression involves acknowledging and addressing your feelings in a constructive way. You’re trying to understand your emotions and find solutions or coping strategies.
Self-pity, on the other hand, means you’re dwelling on negative emotions without trying to move forward. You feel stuck and are seeking sympathy rather than looking for ways to improve the situation.
Say you’ve been rejected by a potential romantic partner. It’s natural to feel sad. A healthy emotional expression might involve recognizing your disappointment, talking about it with a friend or family member, and then making a plan for how you can take care of yourself. Wallowing in self-pity looks different. In that case, you’d obsess over how unfair the situation is and feel stuck like you can’t move forward at all, even after some time has passed.
Are there specific signs that indicate I am indulging in self-pity?
Self-pity can manifest differently for different people. Some signs that might indicate you’re indulging in self-pity are.
Constantly talking about your problems: Regularly discussing your troubles without looking for solutions
Blaming others: Frequently attributing your problems to external factors without taking responsibility
Seeking sympathy: Often looking for others to feel sorry for you without trying to change your situation
Feeling like a victim: Believing that you are always treated unfairly and that your problems are worse than others’
Dwelling on negative thoughts: Spending a lot of time thinking about your misfortunes and feeling unable to move on with your life
How long does it typically take to overcome self-pity with these strategies?
Consistently practicing the suggested steps, such as mindfulness, self-compassion, and breaking down tasks, can lead to gradual improvement, but overcoming self-pity takes time. Some people might start to notice changes within a few weeks, while for others, it might take a few months. Be patient with yourself and focus on making small, consistent changes.
Does practicing self-compassion feel challenging? Explore these five exercises to practice self-compassion and self-kindness.
How can I support a friend or loved one who is struggling with self-pity?
Supporting someone who is struggling with self-pity involves offering empathy and encouragement while gently guiding them towards positive action.
Listen: Give them a safe space to express their feelings without immediately offering solutions.
Encourage self-compassion: Remind them to be kind to themselves and acknowledge their struggles without harsh self-criticism.
Promote positive action: Gently suggest practical steps they can take to improve their situation, such as setting small goals or seeking professional help.
Offer support: Let them know you’re there for them and willing to help in practical ways, like accompanying them to a support group or helping them break down tasks.
Set boundaries: While it’s important to be supportive, also set boundaries to protect your own wellbeing. Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.
If setting boundaries doesn’t come as second nature, check out our nine tips for setting healthy boundaries.
Can self-pity be a symptom of a larger mental health issue?
Yes, self-pity can sometimes be a symptom of a larger mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety. If you find that self-pity is significantly affecting your daily life and you’re unable to shift your mindset despite trying various strategies, it might be time to seek professional help.
A mental health professional can help you understand the root causes of your feelings and provide tailored strategies to manage them. Symptoms like persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep or appetite, or feelings of hopelessness, can also be signs you should consider reaching out for professional support.
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