Should you follow the golden rule in relationships?
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
The golden rule — treating people how you'd like to be treated — can foster empathy but may cause problems in your relationships too. Explore other ways to show you care.
From the time we’re little, we’re taught to always follow the golden rule — treat others as you want to be treated. It’s a great idea, in theory. Not only are we promoting thoughtful behavior, but we’re also teaching children to be empathetic and considerate, which is critical to their development. However, this advice can be a bit short-sighted.
The golden rule is based on the assumption that we all have the same needs and preferences. In reality, we don’t. When put into practice, the golden rule can result in misunderstandings and conflict, as well as unnecessary self-sacrifice or blurred boundaries. Here’s how to balance the golden rule with self-care and clear communication.
What is the golden rule for relationships?
The golden rule reflects the human desire for kindness, and has roots in many different groups.
Confucianism: Around 500 BCE, Confucius articulated a version of the golden rule, stating, "Do not impose on others what you do not wish for yourself." This rule encourages reciprocity and moral integrity.
Christianity: Jesus Christ is quoted in the Gospel of Matthew as saying, "Do to others what you would have them do to you." The golden rule is fundamental in Christian morality.
Islam: The Hadith, a collection of sayings of the Prophet Muhammad, includes the advice, "None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself." This highlights the importance of empathy in Islam.
Buddhism: In Buddhism, treating others with compassion and kindness is expressed through the concept of metta, or loving-kindness. The Buddha taught that people should cultivate goodwill toward all beings.
Judaism: The Jewish sage Hillel stated, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. This is the whole Torah, the rest is the explanation, go and learn." Here, the golden rule is shown as one of the most important parts of the Jewish ethical framework.
Will the golden rule help improve your relationships?
In relationships, the golden rule can help build empathy, respect, and mutual understanding. Thinking about how we’d like to be treated can help us improve our interactions — and the emotional wellbeing of the people around us.
Promoting empathy: Truly understanding and sharing your partner’s feelings can lead to greater sensitivity to their needs and emotions.
Encouraging respect: By treating others as we wish to be treated, we can create a safe and supportive environment where everyone feels valued and heard.
Building mutual understanding: When both partners prioritize each other's feelings and perspectives, it can become easier to find solutions to conflicts.
How to use the golden rule in relationships
Communication: Listen and express yourself in a way that acknowledges and respects the other person's viewpoint. For example, if you appreciate being listened to without interruption, you might give your partner the same courtesy.
Acts of kindness: Offer help or show gratitude can help make relationships more satisfying. Considering what would make you feel appreciated and loved can help you find ways to do the same for your partner.
Conflict resolution: Approach disagreements with empathy and a willingness to understand your partner's perspective to help de-escalate tensions and resolve conflicts. Remember cooperation and compromise are often more important than being right.
By treating your partner with the same empathy, respect, and consideration you desire, the golden rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated," can help you build healthier, more fulfilling connections and stronger bonds.
4 problems with using the golden rule in relationships
While treating others as you want to be treated can encourage empathy and respect, it may also create problems at times.
1. The assumption of similarity
The golden rule can lead to the assumption that others want to be treated the same way you do. This can cause misunderstandings and unmet needs. For instance, while one partner might appreciate direct communication, the other might find it confrontational and prefer a gentler approach.
2. Self-sacrifice risks burnout and resentment
Constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own can lead to burnout and resentment. While being considerate is essential, it’s also important to ensure your own needs are met to maintain a balanced and healthy relationship.
3. Blurring personal boundaries
Setting boundaries is important in any relationship — and everyone's are different. If you're only thinking about how you like to be treated, you might cross a line your partner has set.
4. The golden rule needs to be adapted to account for background and personality
Cultural backgrounds and individual personalities can influence how people prefer to be treated, so a more nuanced approach can be useful. For example, in some cultures, direct eye contact is considered respectful, while in others it can feel confrontational or disrespectful.
How to use the golden rule and maintain your own boundaries at the same time
Use active communication
Have open and honest conversations with your partner about their needs, preferences, and boundaries. Understand how they want to be treated to help you adapt the golden rule to suit them.
Clearly communicate your own needs and boundaries to your partner. Let them know what makes you comfortable and what doesn't. This helps ensure that treating them well doesn't come at the expense of your own wellbeing.
💙 Learn about the art of Mindful Listening from Tamara Levitt.
Use empathy, respect, and personalization
Encourage a reciprocal relationship where both partners' needs and boundaries are respected, so neither partner feels overwhelmed or neglected.
Instead of assuming your partner's preferences mirror your own, take the time to learn what makes them feel valued and respected.
💙 Explore how Empathy helps you show up as a better partner in the Relationship with Others Series.
Balance giving with self-care
While being considerate of your partner’s needs, prioritize your own wellbeing. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel fulfilled and respected.
Set aside time to take care of yourself each day, tending to your mental, emotional, and physical health. You may also encourage your partner to practice self-care in whatever way works for them.
💙 Practice Radical Self-Care to help you show up for your partner (and yourself) more effectively.
Set limits
Check in with yourself to understand your limits so you don’t burn out trying to meet your partner’s needs.
Be firm yet kind in setting your boundaries. For instance, if you need time alone to recharge, explain that taking care of yourself helps you to be more present and supportive.
💙 Tune in to The Daily Trip to learn A Secret to Better Boundaries from Jeff Warren.
Golden rule FAQs
What are some alternative guidelines to the golden rule that can also enhance relationships?
While the golden rule is a valuable principle, other guidelines can also enhance relationships by addressing individual differences too.
The platinum rule: "Treat others as they want to be treated." Understand that your partner's preferences and needs may be different from yours, and focus on those.
Empathy and perspective-taking: Try to understand your partner’s feelings and perspectives. Practice active listening and ask questions to clarify their needs and desires.
Love languages: Learn and apply the idea of love languages. Understand how your partner prefers to give and receive love—whether through words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch—to improve your connection.
Emotional intelligence: Be aware of your own emotions and those of your partner to help you respond more thoughtfully and supportively.
How can I adapt the golden rule to better suit my partner’s unique needs?
Adapting the golden rule to suit your partner's unique needs involves personalization and thought.
Ask and observe: Regularly ask your partner about their preferences and notice their reactions to different situations. This can help you understand what makes them feel loved and appreciated.
Tailored actions: Tailor your actions to your partner's specific needs. For example, if your partner values words of affirmation, make an effort to express your appreciation verbally.
Flexibility: Adjust your approach as your partner's needs evolve over time. Relationships can change, and being adaptable can help you maintain a strong connection.
Feedback loop: Discuss what’s working well in your relationship and what can be improved to help each other feel understood and valued.
Are there specific relationship types where the golden rule is more or less effective?
The effectiveness of the golden rule can vary depending on the type of relationship and the personalities involved.
Similar values and communication styles: The golden rule tends to be more effective in relationships where partners share similar values and communication styles.
Diverse or cross-cultural relationships: In relationships with cultural or personal differences, understanding and respecting these differences can help you apply the principle more successfully.
Parent-child relationships: Adapt the golden rule to the developmental stages and unique needs of your child to balance kindness with guidance and discipline.
Professional relationships: In the workplace, balance empathy with professional boundaries and organizational norms to show respect for your colleagues.
How can I communicate with my partner about differing expectations and preferences?
Effective communication about your preferences and expectations can help you build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Create a safe space: Ensure conversations take place in an environment where you both feel comfortable expressing your honest thoughts and feelings.
Active listening: Give your partner your full attention, acknowledge their perspective, and respond thoughtfully to show you value their opinions and you want to understand them.
Use "I" statements: Express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel stressed when plans change last minute," instead of "You always change plans last minute."
Seek compromise: Be willing to find a middle ground that accommodates both of your needs and preferences.
Regular check-ins: Schedule regular opportunities to discuss expectations and preferences. This can help you address any emerging issues and ensure both partners feel aligned.
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