How to handle a complainer: 7 tips for replying to negativity
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn how to handle chronic complainers with steps and strategies for listening, responding, and offering advice to transform negativity into positive action.
If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s knowing someone who complains a lot — it’s just human nature after all. Maybe you have a coworker who waves you down in the break room every day to grumble about their workload or a family member who always makes a point to complain about something at every family function. Whatever the case, dealing with chronic complainers can be tough, especially when their negativity begins to affect how you feel.
Even if you love the chronic complainer in your life, it’s important to make sure that you’re protecting your own wellbeing too. Here’s how to practically—and kindly—approach interacting with someone who complains a lot to make sure they aren’t bringing you down.
What is a chronic complainer?
A chronic complainer is someone who frequently expresses dissatisfaction or negativity about various aspects of their life or the world around them. Most people complain occasionally, but it’s often about something specific like work stress, frustration with a friend, or navigating sickness or feeling unwell.
Chronic complainers, however, may repeatedly bring up issues (some that don’t even affect them) and almost seem to enjoy complaining. They tend to focus on problems rather than solutions, which only exacerbates the ongoing negative attitude.
If you feel like there is someone in your life who complains chronically, it may be worth asking if you can share some gentle feedback to facilitate a conversation. You might also start by checking in with them to see if they need support from their circle.
If all else fails, it’s important to know that it’s okay to limit the time you spend with someone who complains constantly. Your mental health is your top priority.
Characteristics of a chronic complainer
Frequent complaints: They always seem to find something to complain about, regardless of the situation.
A focus on negatives: They tend to see the negative side of things, ignoring the positives.
Lack of solutions: They rarely offer solutions to the problems they discuss.
Attention-seeking behavior: They use complaining as a way to seek attention and sympathy from others.
Resistance to change: They often resist suggestions for change or improvement.
Emotional drain: Interacting with them can feel exhausting due to their persistent negativity.
Pattern of complaints: Their complaints form a pattern, and they tend to focus on the same topics.
Impact on relationships: Their constant negativity can strain relationships with friends, family, and coworkers.
Emotional response: They may become defensive or dismissive when offered solutions, indicating that they prefer to complain.
How to listen to a constant complainer
Listening to a constant complainer can be challenging, but using active listening techniques can make a difference. Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what the other person is saying. By applying these techniques, you can help the complainer feel heard and understood, which may reduce their need to continue complaining and open the door to more constructive conversations.
Show empathy: Show empathy by letting the complainer know that their feelings are valid. You might say, "I can see why you're upset about this." Supportive phrases like, "That sounds really tough," or "I understand how you feel," can help them feel heard and understood.
Maintain eye contact: Maintaining eye contact shows that you’re paying attention and taking their concerns seriously. It helps build a connection and makes the complainer feel valued.
Nod and use small verbal cues: Nodding and using small verbal cues like "I see," "Mhm," or "Go on" encourage the complainer to continue sharing without interruption, reinforcing that you’re listening.
Summarize their points: Summarizing or paraphrasing what the complainer has said shows that you’re actively processing their words. For example, you could say something like, "So, what I'm hearing is that you're frustrated with how the meeting went yesterday." If something isn’t clear, ask for clarification to ensure you understand their perspective correctly. You might say, "Can you explain a bit more about what happened?"
Ask open-ended questions: Encourage them to elaborate by asking questions that can’t be answered with a simple "Yes" or "No." For instance, "How did that situation make you feel?" or "What happened after that?"
Avoid interrupting: Let them finish their thoughts before you respond. Interrupting can make them feel like their concerns aren’t important to you.
Be patient: Sometimes complainers need time to express themselves fully. Give them the space to talk without rushing them.
7 tips for responding to a complainer
Effectively handling a complainer involves a mix of empathy and boundary-setting. The key is to acknowledge their feelings while also protecting your own wellbeing. This can help steer conversations toward more positive and constructive outcomes, benefiting both you and the complainer.
1. Acknowledge their feelings so they feel validated
You might say, "I understand you're feeling frustrated about this." Recognizing their emotions can help them feel heard and validated, which can sometimes be enough to reduce the intensity of their complaints. Phrases like "I see how that could be upsetting" or "It sounds like you're having a tough time" show empathy and understanding.
💙 The Labeling Emotions session may help you recognize feelings and validate the complainer’s (and your own).
2. Set boundaries to limit time spent complaining
Be clear and be kind. Let them know that while you care about their feelings, there needs to be a limit on how much time you can listen to their complaining. You might say, "I want to help, but we need to find a solution instead of focusing only on the problem." You can gently set boundaries by saying something like, "Let's discuss this for a few more minutes, then try to think of some solutions."
💙 If you need to draw healthy boundaries with a complainer, our A Secret to Better Boundaries session can help you make a plan.
3. Stay calm to de-escalate emotions
Practice mindfulness techniques to stay calm and composed. Take deep breaths and remind yourself to stay centered, which helps you respond thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally. Keep your voice steady and try to avoid showing frustration, which can escalate the situation. Staying calm can help de-escalate their emotions, as well.
💙 If tensions are feeling high, our Softening Hostility session can help you re-group emotionally.
4. Redirect the conversation to bring focus onto solutions
Encourage problem-solving by helping them to focus on actionable steps they can take to improve the situation. For instance, suggest, "Let's brainstorm some ideas to address this issue.” You can also do this by asking questions like, "What do you think could help in this situation?" or "Have you considered trying ..."
5. Be honest about your own feelings
Express how their constant complaining affects your emotions. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when the conversation is always negative," instead of, "You always complain."
If clearly sharing your feelings and needs is hard for you, check out these seven tips on how to communicate your needs in relationships.
6. Balance out the negativity with self-care
If possible, reduce the amount of time you spend with chronic complainers. This can protect your own mental health and prevent their negativity from affecting you too much. Ensure you practice self-care and also spend time with positive, supportive people to balance out the negative interactions. These practices can help reduce the strain on your mental health and bring more joy into your life.
💙 Create a nourishing practice of positivity and joy to combat negative interactions with help from Calm’s Radical Self-Care series.
7. Seek support for dealing with difficult people
Share your experiences with trusted friends or a counselor. They can offer advice, support, and help you process your feelings. They might also be able to share strategies for dealing with difficult people.
Offering constructive advice to a chronic complainer: 5 steps
If you get the sense that the chronic complainer in your life might be open to seeing things in a more positive light, you can encourage them to take constructive steps forward. It might be difficult, but in some cases, you may offer advice that leads to positive change.
1. Use empathy to demonstrate respect for their feelings
Begin by expressing genuine concern for their wellbeing. You might say, "I care about you and want to help you feel better about this situation." Try to understand their point of view before offering advice. This shows that you respect their feelings and aren’t dismissing their concerns outright.
Learn more about the differences between empathy and compassion here, and how you can use them to support those you love.
2. Encourage self-reflection by asking questions
Help them reflect on their feelings and the situation by asking questions like, "What do you think is the root cause of this issue?" or "Have you noticed any patterns in when these problems arise?" You could suggest they keep a journal to track their thoughts and feelings. This can help them identify recurring themes and triggers, making it easier to address the underlying issues.
You can use these 10 mindful questions to encourage a chronic complainer you love to check-in with themselves.
3. Suggest small-step solutions to make taking action easier
Provide specific suggestions they can try, such as encouraging them to speak to their manager about how they’re feeling instead of keeping it inside, or trying a new approach to a recurring problem. Suggest they take small, manageable steps toward resolving their issues. This can make the process feel less overwhelming and more achievable.
4. Highlight positives so they recognize progress
Help them see the positive aspects of their situation by highlighting what's going well. You might say, "I know you're frustrated about this project, but you've done a great job on the parts you’ve completed so far." Encourage them to acknowledge and celebrate small successes. This can motivate them to move forward while keeping a positive attitude.
5. Recognize that change takes time and offer consistent support
Recognize that changing a chronic habit of complaining won't happen overnight. Be patient and continue to offer support and encouragement as they make progress. Regularly check in with them, as consistent support can make a huge difference in helping them maintain positive changes.
How to handle a complainer FAQs
How can I set boundaries with a chronic complainer without offending them?
Setting boundaries with a chronic complainer is essential for your own wellbeing. There are several strategies you can try to help you set—and maintain—those boundaries without offending them. These include using “I” statements, which help you to express your feelings without blaming the other person. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when the conversation is always negative,” instead of “You always complain.”
When you communicate your need for boundaries, be clear but also kind. Try saying, “I value our friendship and want to support you, but we need to focus on positive topics too.” You might also suggest alternative ways to address their concerns, using a phrase like, “Maybe we can set aside a specific time each week to discuss your issues, but also spend time talking about positive things or solutions to the problem.”
While it’s important to be compassionate, stick to your boundaries. If they start to complain too much, gently remind them of your agreement to focus on solutions or avoid particular topics.
What are some effective ways to redirect a negative conversation?
Redirecting a negative conversation helps shift the focus from complaining to problem-solving or positive topics.
Ask solution-oriented questions: Guide them toward thinking about solutions by asking questions like, “What do you think could help in this situation?” or “How can we improve this?”
Focus on positives: Encourage them to think about positive aspects by saying, “What’s something good that happened today?” or “Tell me about something you’re looking forward to.”
Change the subject: If the negativity continues, gently steer the conversation to a different topic. For example, “I understand this is frustrating. Let’s talk about something else for a while. How was your weekend?”
Introduce a new perspective: Help them see the situation differently by suggesting, “Have you considered looking at it this way?” or “What if we tried this approach?”
How can I protect my own mental health when dealing with constant complainers?
Protecting your mental health is always important. A first step is to limit the time and energy you spend on negative conversations. This might include politely excusing yourself if the conversation becomes too draining. Instead, spend that time practicing self-care. Engage in activities that relax and rejuvenate you, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with positive people. It’s okay to spend less time with the constant complainer in your life if you need to.
Talking to friends, family, or a counselor about your experiences is an important part of staying balanced. They can provide advice, support, and help you process your feelings. Practice mindfulness or meditation can also help you stay calm and centered — this supports you to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally.
If you don’t know where to start when it comes to self-care, explore these 20 practices that can help you prioritize your wellbeing.
Are there professional resources for helping someone who complains excessively?
Yes, there are a variety of professional resources that can help someone who complains excessively. For example, professional therapists and counselors can help them understand the root causes of their negativity and develop healthier coping mechanisms. You might also encourage them to join support groups where they can share their experiences and learn from others who are dealing with similar issues.
There are also many self-help books and online resources that offer strategies for managing negativity and improving one’s outlook on life.
What are the long-term effects of constantly dealing with a complainer?
Constantly dealing with a complainer can have several long-term effects on your mental and emotional wellbeing. It’s important to manage these interactions effectively to protect your wellbeing and maintain a positive and balanced life.
Increased stress and anxiety: Being exposed to constant negativity can raise your stress levels and lead to anxiety, affecting your overall health.
Emotional exhaustion: The continuous effort to support a chronic complainer can leave you feeling emotionally drained and fatigued.
Negative mindset: Prolonged exposure to negativity can influence your outlook, making you more pessimistic or cynical over time.
Strained relationships: The stress and frustration from dealing with a complainer can spill over into your other relationships, causing tension and conflict.
Reduced productivity: If the complainer is a coworker, their constant negativity can affect your focus and productivity at work.
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