How to stop complaining: 10 tips to cut the negativity
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore why people complain, how to know if you complain too much, and if some complaining can be healthy or effective. Plus, 10 tips to help you stop complaining.
Everyone complains at some point during their week. It’s tough not to. As a matter of fact, complaining is so common that you might not even notice you’re doing it. You might complain about the traffic on your way to work or the weather if you have outdoor plans. For some, complaining becomes second nature — and that can be a hard habit to break.
The act of complaining comes from the need to express frustration or even look for sympathy. Complaining too frequently, however, can actually impact your mood and potentially damage your relationships. If you think you’re complaining too much, or if you’ve been told you are, it might be time to make a change. With a more positive outlook, you may feel happier and more empowered to tackle whatever challenges come your way.
Why do people complain?
People complain for various reasons, some psychological and some emotional. People who complain aren’t usually trying to be negative, even though it can be perceived that way.
People may complain to get empathy
Many people complain to family and friends (or even strangers), because they’re looking for empathy. When we express our frustrations, we’re wanting others to understand and validate our feelings. This makes us feel less alone in our struggles. Expressing complaints can sometimes help release pent-up stress and frustration, providing a temporary sense of relief, and is a way to express negative emotions when we feel overwhelmed.
People may complain to get attention
Of course, there are also people who complain to attract attention. They might feel that complaining is a way to get others to focus on them and their problems — and sometimes even make the problem their own. While this can be seen as negative behavior, people who complain for attention are really just asking to be seen and heard. In these cases, low self-esteem may often be a factor. People with lower self-esteem may complain frequently as a way to cope with insecurities by deflecting attention from their own perceived flaws.
People might complain to push for change
Complaining can also stem from a desire for change. For example, someone might complain about society at large, because they’re fed up with how they (or another group of people) have been treated. It’s also common to complain about issues like the environment, politics, or even workplace culture. This type of complaining is typically fueled by strong beliefs and a need or change.
People might complain out of habit
And, for some, complaining is simply a habit. Over time, focusing on the more difficult parts of life can become a default way of thinking. Oftentimes, this makes it harder to appreciate when things are going well and express gratitude, which, ultimately, perpetuates the cycle of negative thinking.
Why some complaining is healthy
Not all complaining has to be viewed as negative. In fact, some complaining can be healthy and productive when it’s done constructively and in moderation. Acknowledging and expressing your true emotions is important for your mental health and wellbeing and can inspire others to do the same. In addition, constructive complaining can lead to positive changes and personal growth.
Complaints may kickstart positive change: Voicing concerns about a problem, like poor communication, or something more severe like workplace discrimination, can actually help businesses improve their policies, services, and working environments. This type of feedback can result in positive change, which can lead to greater customer or patient satisfaction and workplace wellness.
Complaints might also express legitimate issues: Voicing complaints can help you process feelings and find solutions, rather than suppressing your emotions and feeling stressed out.
Complaining could strengthen emotional bonds: Discovering that others feel the same way as you can create community and mutual understanding. This can help build stronger relationships and a supportive community.
Complaints might help ease resentment: Speaking up about problems as they occur can prevent them from turning into bigger issues in the future. Not only can this improve communication between people, but it can also help combat resentment and feeling like you aren’t heard. Speaking up as issues arise can help stop them from turning into bigger problems and prevent feelings of resentment.
How to know if you complain too much
Look out for signs that you might be complaining too much, as it can affect your mood, relationships, and overall wellbeing.
You have frequent negative conversations: Constant negativity may increase stress and anxiety, and make it difficult for you to maintain a positive outlook on life.
Loved ones become distant: Persistent complaining can strain your personal and professional relationships. If friends or family members start to avoid conversations with you or seem distant, that can create feelings of loneliness or isolation.
Persistent feelings of dissatisfaction: Chronic negativity may cause you to become a pessimist, which can lead to a decrease in gratitude and appreciation of the good things in your life.
You lack problem-solving skills: Talking about your problems without seeking solutions can make it harder to solve problems and even reduce productivity.
Physical symptoms: Headaches, fatigue, and muscle tension from increased stress levels may take a toll on your physical and mental health.
Receiving negative feedback: If people mention how much you complain, it may be a sign that you’re doing it too much and could be a gentle plea to change your habits and become more positive.
10 tips to help you complain less often
Complaining less takes practice and requires mindfulness during interactions with others and even your personal thoughts. The following strategies can help you develop a more positive outlook and reduce the urge to complain.
1. Practice gratitude for what you have
Write down three things you’re grateful for each day to help shift your focus to the positive. This can help you appreciate the wonderful aspects of your life.
💙 Try our Gratitude Check-in for a daily reminder to focus on the positive.
2. Focus on solutions instead of just problems
When you catch yourself complaining, pause and ask yourself what you can do to improve the situation instead of just complaining about it. Try to turn the complaints into constructive actions.
3. Use positive affirmations to affirm what’s going right
Remind yourself of your strengths to boost your self-esteem and reduce the urge to complain. For example, say to yourself, "I am capable and resilient," or "I can handle challenges with grace."
💙 Relate to your thoughts in a healthier way and Shift Your Perspective when you feel negativity taking over.
4. Limit exposure to negativity as much as you can
Negativity can make the urge to complain even stronger. Instead of indulging in negative media, seek out uplifting books and podcasts or spend time with optimistic people and content instead.
5. Try phrasing things differently
Be mindful of the language you use, and try your best to rephrase negative statements into more positive ones. For example, instead of saying, "I hate rainy weather, because I can’t go outside,” try thinking, “Rainy weather gives me a chance to rest inside or do another activity instead.”
💙 Struggling with negative thinking? Try these 10 techniques to help you challenge the negativity in your mind.
6. Give yourself a time limit for complaining and stick to it
Give yourself a daily or weekly limit for complaints so you reserve your complaints for bigger issues that may require venting or seeking empathy. Once you reach your quota, challenge yourself to stay complaint-free for the rest of the day or week.
7. Add mindfulness and meditation into your daily life
Stay present and become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, so you can catch complaints or negative thoughts before they become a habit. Meditate to help you develop a calmer and more balanced outlook.
💙 Use mindfulness to break the cycle of Complaining with the help of Tamara Levitt’s Breaking Habits Series.
8. Seek constructive feedback from those you trust
Ask trusted friends or family members to point out when you complain too much, as an outside perspective can help you see patterns you might miss. Use their feedback as a tool for growth.
9. Practice empathy whenever possible
Take time to practice empathy and understand others’ perspectives and feelings to help reduce your own tendency to complain. This can help you build stronger relationships and feel better overall.
💙 Learn more about practicing Empathy with this session from our Relationship with Others series.
10. Find the joy in your life and soak it in
Find joy and fulfillment in uplifting activities to help you reduce stress and make you less likely to complain. The more you fill your life with positivity, the less room there is for negativity.
💙 Press play on Shawn Achor’s Discovering Happiness guided meditation for insight on welcoming positivity into your life.
How to complain effectively
Complaining effectively means your complaints get heard and taken seriously, which may lead to more constructive outcomes. Communication and problem-solving—not just expressing dissatisfaction—can turn complaints into opportunities for positive change.
Be specific with your complaint
Be clear about what the problem is and how it affects you. For example, instead of saying, "This noise is terrible," explain exactly what’s bothering you and why. Say, "The noise from the construction next door makes it hard for me to concentrate on my work, and that feels frustrating."
Have a solution in mind
Instead of just pointing out the problem, suggest possible solutions or ways to improve the situation. If you’re unhappy with a service, you might say, "I think trying this strategy might improve your workflow …”
Be respectful when you speak with others
Use "I" statements to express how you feel without blaming others. This can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," say, "I feel unheard when I don't get a chance to share my thoughts."
Pick the right time and place for your complaint
Choose an appropriate moment to discuss your complaint, preferably in a private setting. For example, bringing up a complaint during an argument might not be effective. Instead, try a calmer time when both parties can focus on the issue.
Listen to others perspective as well
Be open to feedback and show you’re willing to understand the other person's point of view. This can encourage a more productive discussion and help you find solutions. These five ways to become a better listener should give you a headstart.
Try expressing a complaint when you’re feeling level headed
High emotions can cloud your judgment and make it harder for others to take your concerns seriously. Practice deep breathing and collect your thoughts before you speak. Try these seven deep breathing techniques to help you calm your mind when you’re feeling upset.
Be open to follow-up discussions
If your complaint isn’t addressed, respectfully follow up on your feedback. Sometimes, issues take time to resolve, and a gentle reminder can keep things on track. For example, send a polite follow-up email or leave a voicemail to check on progress.
Accept when it’s time to let something go
Recognize when a situation can’t be changed. Spend your energy focusing on what you can control and let go and release what you can’t.
Express your appreciation for others’ efforts
If someone takes steps to resolve your issue, thank them for their efforts. This display of gratitude and cooperation encourages positivity between both parties. If expressing appreciation doesn’t come easily to you, try these 10 ways to practice gratitude.
Reflect back on the experience and be open to growth
Take time to reflect on your motivation and feelings to consider whether your complaint is fair and justified. Evaluate the situation to help you provide feedback more effectively and constructively in the future.
How to stop complaining FAQs
What are some daily practices to help reduce complaining?
Specific daily practices can help you reduce the habit of complaining.
Start a gratitude journal: Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for to encourage positivity and hopefulness.
Practice mindfulness and meditation: Meditate for a few minutes each day to help reduce stress and increase awareness of your thoughts, making it easier to avoid complaining.
Set daily goals around positive actions: Create small goals that encourage positivity, such as helping a friend, completing a task, or engaging in a hobby. Achieving these can boost your mood and reduce the tendency to complain.
How can I identify the root cause of my complaints?
Understanding the underlying reasons for your complaints can help you address them effectively. Reflect on your triggers by paying attention to situations or events that prompt you to complain. This can help you understand what specifically bothers you.
You could try keeping a diary. Record your complaints, the circumstances surrounding them, and your feelings. Over time, patterns may emerge that reveal the root causes. You might also consider talking to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you explore underlying issues, and offer strategies to help you cope in healthier ways.
Are there any books that can help me stop complaining?
If you’re looking to dig deeper into this subject, there are plenty of books that can offer strategies and insights on how to stop complaining and cultivate a more positive mindset. Here are two to start with.
A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen: A 21-day challenge to eliminate complaining, gossip, and criticism from your life. It provides practical tips and motivational stories to help you develop a more positive outlook.
The No Complaining Rule by Jon Gordon: A fictional story about a company implementing a no-complaining policy. It includes actionable steps to encourage a positive workplace and personal life.
How does complaining impact mental health over time?
Chronic complaining can negatively affect your mental health. Constantly focusing on the negative can heighten your stress and anxiety levels, which can take a toll on your mental and physical health. It can also make it harder for you to see the positive aspects of life, leading to feelings of hopelessness and depression.
Focusing on problems without seeking solutions can hinder your ability to effectively address and overcome challenges. Complaining frequently can also have the unhappy side effect of pushing people away, leading to loneliness and isolation just when you probably need other people the most.
Can complaining ever be productive or beneficial?
Complaining can be productive or beneficial when done constructively and with the right intentions.
Advocating for change: Complaining about injustices or problems can raise awareness and prompt action to improve policies, services, and conditions.
Identifying problems: Feedback can highlight areas that need improvement so people or organizations can enhance their performance and outcomes.
Expressing emotions: Legitimate grievances expressed constructively can help you process and address issues, which can lead to emotional relief and better mental health.
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