Why people don't care about the things you think they do
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore why people don't care about you like you think they do, and if it's selfish to worry about it. Plus, how to stop caring about others' perceptions of you.
From time to time, it’s natural to worry about what other people think of you. Maybe you’re concerned that you talked too much in a meeting — or that you didn’t participate enough. Or perhaps you feel self-conscious when you’re out with a date or a new group of friends. While caring about how others perceive you — and being open to their feedback — can be admirable, if you’re losing sleep over it, it’s likely doing more harm than good.
When you find yourself spinning out over what others might be saying about you, there are a few simple ways to calm yourself down. For starters, try to remember that most people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. In fact, they might be busy worrying about what you think of them!
Why people don’t care about you the way you think they do
Of course, people care about you. But not everyone is as preoccupied with how you’re living your life as you may think. Consider what you’re worrying about most days. Odds are, it’s about things related to your own life. You may be obsessing about your job, your relationships, your health, or even your daily tasks. Just like you, most people are consumed by the same things in their own world. When it comes down to it, we’re just never the center of anyone’s universe but our own.
When you realize this, it can feel like a huge relief. It means the awkward moment you had or the mistake you made really isn’t as important to others as it might feel to you. People might notice what you say or do briefly, but then they quickly move on to their own concerns. They may even be having exactly the same thoughts and self-conscious feelings as you.
Recognizing this can help reduce the fear of judgment and social anxiety. When you stop focusing so much on what others think, you can be more authentic and relaxed. This can make social events and gatherings feel more fun, as you can be yourself without constantly worrying people’s opinions.
The science behind why we think people care
The reason we often think people care about us more than they do is because of a psychological phenomenon called the “spotlight effect,” which makes people think they’re being noticed more than they actually are.
The spotlight effect happens because of a network in our brains called the default mode network (DMN), which is most active when our minds are at rest. The DMN focuses on self-referential thoughts — which basically means that when we’re not busy, we obsess over ourselves and our social interactions. This self-focus can make us feel overly concerned with how others perceive us.
As social beings, humans have evolved to be highly aware of social threats. In ancient times, being accepted by a group was crucial for survival. This has likely “hardwired” our brains to constantly scan for social signals and potential judgments. Even though society has changed, our brains still have a heightened sensitivity to social feedback, which can cause us to overestimate how much others care about our actions and appearances.
Is worrying about others’ perception of us selfish?
A certain level of social awareness can be beneficial. It can help us navigate social settings, build relationships, and maintain harmony within groups. Being considerate of others’ feelings and opinions shows empathy and respect — it’s what makes us nice people. There is, however, a fine line between healthy social awareness and excessive concern over others’ opinions. When we worry too much about what others think, it can become overwhelming and lead to anxiety, stress, and even depression. It can also prevent us from being true to ourselves, as we might change our behavior to fit others’ expectations. Finding a balance is key.
How to stop caring about others’ opinions of us: 6 tips
Worrying about what others think can be exhausting, and it can hold us back from living our best lives. It’s important to create balance by focusing more on your own happiness and fulfillment.
1. Focus on personal values and growth
Identify what truly matters to you, and align your actions with your values. When you make decisions based on what’s important to you, and not what others think, you build confidence and reduce the need to seek others’ approval.
💙 Slow the Swirl in Your Mind to stop other people’s thoughts and opinions from interfering with your own.
2. Cultivate self-awareness
Try to understand why others' opinions affect you so much. Journaling can help you become more aware of your triggers and stop them from impacting your self-esteem.
💙 Learn to break the Comparison habit between how you want to live your life and other people’s opinions on how you should live your life.
3. Recognize the limited impact
Put your worries into perspective by remembering that your actions usually have a small impact on others' thoughts and lives. Most people are too preoccupied with their own concerns to spend much time thinking about you.
💙 Try to Worry less about what others think of you and instead, focus on what you want.
4. Release the need for external validation
Give yourself the approval you need, rather than relying on others’ opinions. Be true to yourself, practice self-affirmations, and recognize your achievements, no matter how small.
💙 Learn to validate yourself by harnessing the power of positive self-talk in this Self-Affirmations exercise with Jay Shetty.
5. Embrace authenticity
When you’re being yourself, you open yourself up to genuine relationships and opportunities that fit with your values. Odds are, you also feel more comfortable and confident, which naturally lessens the importance of others' judgments.
💙 Find self-acceptance and awaken inner strength with Tamara Levitt’s 7 Days of Self-Esteem.
6. Develop resilience against social pressures
Strengthen your ability to withstand social pressures by building resilience. Set boundaries, practice self-care, and surround yourself with friends and family who respect and support you. This can help you stay grounded and focused on your own path, regardless of others’ opinions.
💙 Explore the Relationship with Others Series for meditations on navigating boundaries, conflict, and more.
People don’t care FAQs
What are some daily affirmations or practices that can help reinforce my self-worth independent of others' opinions?
Daily affirmations and practices can significantly boost your self-worth.
Daily affirmations: Start your day with positive affirmations like “I am enough,” “I value my own opinion,” “I am capable and strong,” and “I trust myself.” Repeating these affirmations can help shift your mindset to a more positive and self-reliant one.
Journaling: Write down your thoughts, achievements, and what you’re grateful for. This can help you focus on your own progress and personal growth, rather than seeking validation from others.
Setting personal goals: Set small, achievable goals for yourself and celebrate when you reach them. This can help build confidence in your abilities and reinforce your self-worth.
Mindfulness practices: Regular meditation, yoga, or deep-breathing exercises can help you stay present and centered, reducing the tendency to worry about others' opinions.
Self-care routine: Prioritize activities that make you feel good and support your wellbeing, such as exercising, eating healthily, and getting enough rest. Take care of yourself to reinforce the idea that you’re valuable and worth the effort.
Can mindfulness or meditation help in reducing my concern for others' perceptions?
Mindfulness and meditation can significantly help you care less about what people think of you.
Practicing mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. This can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without obsessing over others' opinions. Mindfulness can teach you to observe your thoughts and let them pass without attaching too much importance to them.
Regular meditation practice can calm your mind and reduce anxiety. Techniques like focusing on your breath or repeating a calming mantra can help you detach from concerns about what others think. Over time, this can bring a greater sense of inner peace and self-acceptance.
Stress reduction: Both mindfulness and meditation can help reduce stress by promoting relaxation and bringing our stress hormones, like cortisol, back into balance. When you’re calm, you’re less likely to worry about others' perceptions and more likely to focus on your own wellbeing.
Self-awareness: These practices can help you understand why you care about others' opinions and how to shift your focus to what truly matters to you. By understanding your own needs and values better, you can become less dependent on external validation.
What is the spotlight effect?
The spotlight effect is when people believe they’re being noticed more than they actually are. The spotlight effect occurs because we’re naturally focused on ourselves, so we assume others are focusing on us too. However, everyone else is similarly preoccupied with their own lives and concerns. This is because the default mode network (DMN) in our brains is active when we’re not busy. It can center on self-referential thoughts, making us more aware of how we appear to others, which can exaggerate our perception of how much attention others pay to us.
The spotlight effect is a normal cognitive bias, so remind yourself of this the next time you’re convinced that people are judging you. Hopefully, this eases your social anxiety and helps you feel more comfortable around others.
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