How to set healthy relationship boundaries (and stick to them)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore examples of what healthy and unhealthy relationship boundaries look like and why they matter. Plus, 6 tips on how to set boundaries in your relationships.
We all know how it feels to have someone take up too much of your energy. It’s exhausting just thinking about it, isn’t it? Maybe it’s a boss who sends urgent emails after hours, a friend who can’t stop complaining, or a relative who loves to ask you uncomfortable questions about your relationship status. In any and all of these situations, it’s important to set boundaries to maintain your peace of mind.
Boundaries can be a scary word for some people, but they are key for healthy long term relationships. They set up or clarify guidelines around how you expect to be treated in the partnership, and how you’ll treat others in return.
Clear boundaries often lead to healthier, happier relationships because both parties can be their authentic selves without the fear of crossing a line. Best of all? You can set them right now.
What are healthy relationship boundaries (and why do they matter)?
Healthy relationship boundaries are the limits you set with your partner, or anyone you're in relationship with, to protect your wellbeing. They define what you’re comfortable with (such as physical touch), your expectations (like what you expect from the partnership), and how these other people treat you. Without these guardrails, you may feel overwhelmed or taken for granted by the people in your life. And, in some cases, you might start to lose sight of who you really are.
While it can feel uncomfortable to set relationship boundaries, they can do wonders for helping to establish trust and mutual understanding between people. After all, how do we expect someone to know how to treat us if they don’t first understand what we need to feel loved and safe?
What do healthy and unhealthy relationship boundaries look like?
Before attempting to set boundaries, it’s important to know that there’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries in your relationships. Healthy boundaries help you feel secure, respected, and valued, while unhealthy boundaries can leave you feeling drained, disrespected, and even confused about your role in the relationship.
Healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries nurture mutual respect and clear communication. They help create a balanced relationship where both people feel heard and valued.
Open communication: Open communication means having the ability to express your needs, feelings, and thoughts honestly without fear of negative consequences.
Respect for each other’s needs: Understanding and respecting each other’s need for physical and emotional space and how to spend time together and apart is an example of a healthy boundary.
Clear expectations: Knowing each other’s expectations for the relationship, such as commitment levels or future goals, can help both you and your partner understand each other’s guidelines.
Unhealthy boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries can create stress and tension in relationships, leading to feelings of resentment, confusion, or frustration.
It can be hard to recognize unhealthy boundaries, especially if you’re used to certain patterns, but by tapping into how you feel on a regular basis, you can begin to identify where changes are needed.
Lack of communication: Avoiding difficult conversations or not expressing your true feelings, which may lead to misunderstandings and resentment, even though your partner may need more communication is a sign of an unhealthy boundary.
Disrespecting personal space: Invading the other person’s privacy, demanding constant attention, or not allowing them time alone is a sign of disrespect.
Unrealistic expectations: Expecting the other person to meet all your needs, or to change their behavior to fit your desires without considering their feelings, is another unhealthy relationship ask that may go against your partner’s boundaries.
How to set boundaries in a relationship: 6 mindful tips to help stand firm
Setting boundaries can take practice, especially if it’s new to you. By staying mindful of your needs—and being honest with yourself and the people in your life—you can set guidelines in a kind way that lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships… and a healthier, more fulfilling you.
1. Get clear on your needs and values
Before you can share what you need from others, you have to first understand what those needs are. So, find some time to check-in with yourself on what makes you feel safe and respected in a relationship. Pay attention to big picture values (like honesty or respect) as well as smaller needs (like sharing household responsibilities or quality time together).
💙 Take time to Delineate Your Values and get clear on what is really important to you in relationships with help from Jay Shetty.
2. Say what you mean (but don’t say it mean)
When you’re setting and communicating your boundaries, it’s good to be clear, direct, and confident. And while it’s good to be kind, don’t confuse being direct with being mean. You’re simply helping the other person understand what you need, which usually makes things easier for everyone.
So, rather than be wishy-washy with a friend who wants to meet up, try being honest. You could say something like, “You know, I’m feeling overwhelmed by work today and need to get some things done, but I’d love to meet up for drinks tomorrow if you’re free?”
💙 Get comfortable setting kind and clear limits with help from the Daily Calm’s session on Boundaries.
3. Keep the focus on yourself when sharing
“I” statements can help you set boundaries without making the other person feel defensive or badly about themselves. You might say something like, “I need to spend some time alone so I can decompress,” instead of, “You never give me space.” This can make it easier for the other person to understand your boundaries without feeling responsible for your feelings. Here are seven more tips to help you communicate your needs in your relationship.
💙 Practice Non-Judgment in your conversations with your partner as you discuss your feelings and listen to each other’s needs.
4. Hold the line on your boundaries (even when it’s uncomfortable)
There’s a good chance you’ll have people in your life who push back or test your limits, so once you set a boundary, do your best to stick to it and show your needs aren’t negotiable. It may feel tough to hold your boundaries in different relationship dynamics at first, but as time goes on, your peace of mind will outweigh any potential guilt you may feel enforcing your guidelines.
💙 Release the discomfort of trying to make everyone happy with this guided session on People-Pleasing with Jay Shetty.
5. Know when it’s time to compromise
While being firm about your boundaries is important, the goal isn’t to be rigid or disconnected from what the other person wants or needs. Compromise can help you maintain balance in a relationship. Sometimes, you may need to give a little to get a little.
If your partner wants to spend some time together but you’re exhausted after a long week, ask if they’d be open to a special date later in the weekend after you get some rest. Flexibility doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs or the needs of others, but finding solutions that work for both of you. And it’ll look different for everyone and every couple.
💙 Discover how approaching your relationship with Empathy helps you show up as a better partner in this session from our Relationships with Others Series.
6. Make time for self-care
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be exhausting, so make it a point to prioritize self-care. Filling up your own cup will help keep you grounded and better equipped to stay true to your boundaries.
Spend time with friends, pursue hobbies you enjoy, or relax in solitude with a cup of tea and the latest BookTok read (here are 20 more self-care practices you can try out). When you’re well-rested and emotionally balanced, you’re more capable of maintaining the boundaries that protect your health and happiness. Plus, you may inspire others to create boundaries, too.
💙 Spend time each day connecting with your mind and body and asking yourself what you need with help from Prof. Megan Reitz’ Checking In With Yourself exercise.
What to do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries
Sometimes, even when you clearly communicate your needs, they might not be respected. Whether someone is confused, feels inconvenienced, or just thinks you’ll fold with a little prodding, it’s pretty common to get some pushback. But we’ve got tips for you on how to handle this situation, too.
Remind them of your boundary
If someone crosses your boundary, calmly remind them of it. They might not fully understand your needs or may have forgotten. You might try saying something like, “I’m saving money this month, so I can’t go out for dinner with you, remember?”
Reinforcing your boundary shows you take it seriously, and sometimes people need to hear it more than once to understand how important it is to you.
💙 Practice the art of speaking firmly, but softly, with Tamara Levitt’s Kind Communication meditation.
Express how it makes you feel
If they continue to cross your boundary, tell them how you feel. Remember, this isn’t about putting the blame on anyone, but helping them understand the impact it’s having on you instead.
You might say, “You keep inviting people over, but I told you that I don’t like entertaining on weeknights. It stresses me out and cleaning up the mess afterward is exhausting.” Expressing your feelings can help show the consequences the other person’s actions have on you and the environment, which can prompt them to take your boundaries more seriously.
💙 Explore how to stand firm in your self-expression without leaning too heavily into Blame with this session from our Relationships with Others Series.
Take a step back if needed
If someone continues to ignore your boundaries, you may need to step back from the relationship to protect yourself. This could mean spending less time with them or even ending the relationship. Distancing yourself from someone you care about is never easy, but you need to make your wellbeing your top priority. Here are seven tips to help you take a mindful break in a relationship.
Reevaluating the relationship can give you the space to heal and reassess the situation. It also sends a clear message that your boundaries are non-negotiable.
💙 Explore our Relationship with Others series for insights and meditations to help you and your partner through rocky times.
Seek outside support
If enforcing your boundaries is tough for you, talk to a trusted friend or family member for a different perspective and emotional support. A therapist can also help you develop strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries and give you guidance on handling situations where your boundaries aren’t respected.
Reaffirm your worth
It’s easy to doubt yourself or feel guilty when you’re setting boundaries, especially if someone pushes back. Remind yourself that your needs are valid, and you have the right to set boundaries that protect your wellbeing. You may also explore these six tips to help you stop feeling guilty all the time.
Remember that, above all, you deserve to be in relationships where you feel respected, valued, and safe.
💙 Learn how to actively extend love toward yourself with this mindfulness-based Radical Self-Compassion exercise with Tara Brach.
Relationship boundaries FAQs
What are the signs that boundaries need to be set in a relationship?
Pay attention to how the people in your life make you feel and look for signs that something needs to change. Boundaries may need to be set or change if:
You often feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or like you’re losing yourself in a relationship
You’re consistently putting the other person’s needs before your own and neglecting your wellbeing
You feel resentful or angry when they make requests
You say yes when you want to say no, or feel anxious or guilty about expressing your needs
What are examples of healthy relationship boundaries?
With healthy relationship boundaries, both parties feel respected and that their needs are met. They can vary by person, but common examples include open communication, respecting personal space, and agreeing how much time to spend together versus apart.
You may need quiet time after work to decompress before engaging with your partner.
You might agree to take a break during heated discussions to cool down and approach the situation with a clearer mind.
You might prefer not to be constantly texting updates during the workday — or you may require more frequent updates to feel connected.
How can I communicate my boundaries without causing conflict?
Communicating boundaries can be tricky, but it can be done in a way that minimizes tension. By communicating with empathy and respect, you can set boundaries that strengthen your relationship. Here are eight exercises to develop your empathy in relationships.
Approach the conversation calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to express your needs. Instead of saying, “You’re always interrupting me,” say, “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have time to finish my thoughts. I have more I’d like to say.” This focuses on your feelings rather than blaming the other person, which helps prevent defensiveness.
Choose a time when you’re both calm, so the conversation isn’t confrontational. Frame the boundary as something that benefits the relationship, emphasizing how it can help you feel more connected and present.
What should I do if my partner constantly disregards my boundaries?
If your partner ignores the boundaries you’ve put in place, it’s best to address the issue directly. Have an honest conversation about how their behavior affects you, explaining that when your boundaries are ignored, you feel disrespected or undervalued. You can even say that it’s something you won’t tolerate in a relationship if that’s true for you.
Sometimes, people don’t realize the effect of their actions and they’ll want to make changes. However, if the behavior continues, evaluate whether the relationship is healthy for you. You shouldn’t tolerate disrespect, and distancing yourself or ending the relationship may be necessary if your wellbeing is at risk.
How can therapy help me establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships?
A therapist can help you explore why you might struggle with setting boundaries, such as past experiences or self-esteem issues, and guide you in identifying your needs and building the confidence to communicate them effectively.
In therapy, you can learn practical strategies for setting boundaries, like using “I” statements, staying consistent, and managing pushback from your partner. It also offers a safe space to practice these skills and discuss challenges that may arise.
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