What is the acts of service love language? Plus, 4 examples
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what the acts of service love language is and examples of giving and receiving love through helping and supporting each other.
You know those days when you’re dreading tackling the one or two chores that loom at the bottom of your to-do list? Imagine coming home after a long day to find that your partner took care of them for you. Maybe the house is clean, the laundry has been folded, or dinner is already in the oven. Anyone would appreciate these thoughtful gestures, but they’re even more meaningful to people whose love language is acts of service. These people feel most loved when their partner shows them they care through considerate actions.
What is the acts of service love language?
In his book, The Five Love Languages, marriage counselor Gary Chapman, PhD, identified five ways people prefer to receive love — acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and quality time. Someone whose love language is acts of service feels most loved when their partner does things that make their life easier or more enjoyable. This can include everyday tasks and responsibilities like picking up the dry cleaning, shopping for groceries, or running to the post office. For these people, actions speak louder than words.
It should be noted that our love languages are not exclusively for romantic relationships. Many people have the same preferences for how they receive love in friend and familial relationships as well.
Acts of service are not usually about grand gestures or elaborate plans. More often, they are thoughtful gestures that show consideration and care. Whether it’s making a cup of coffee in the morning or planning a special trip, if your partner’s love language is the acts of service language, the key is to find ways to help and support them in meaningful ways.
Why acts of service in relationships are important
Shows commitment: Doing things for your partner demonstrates that you care about their wellbeing and are willing to put in effort to support them.
Relieves stress: Helping with tasks and responsibilities can reduce your partner's stress level and make their life easier, which can improve their mood and wellbeing.
Builds trust: Consistently performing acts of service builds a sense of reliability and trust in the relationship, so your partner knows they can count on you.
Strengthens bonds: When you help your partner, you’re demonstrating teamwork, helping to build partnership and strengthening your emotional connection.
4 ways to offer acts of service
When it comes to offering acts of service, it’s not about the size of the gesture, it’s about the way in which it makes the other person’s life and day a bit easier. If they’re stressed about a work deadline, you don’t need to clean the whole house, or detail their car. Maybe you bring them their favorite coffee, or offer to make dinner so they can take some time to relax and unwind at the end of their day.
If you’re at a loss for how to help, chat with your partner and ask what you can do to help their day run a bit smoother. This way you can better understand their needs and jump right in.
1. Do daily chores
Cooking: Whether it’s making breakfast in the morning or cooking dinner after a long day, these actions can provide comfort to your partner and show that you care.
Cleaning: Taking on household cleaning tasks such as vacuuming, dusting, or washing dishes helps create a tidy and stress-free environment and shows you’re invested in your shared living space.
Laundry: Washing, drying, folding, and putting clothes away can be a significant help, especially during busy times.
2. Practice small gestures
Making coffee or tea: Starting your partner’s day with their favorite drink shows thoughtfulness. This small gesture can make a big difference in their morning routine and help them start off the day in a great mood.
Running errands: Offering to pick up groceries, drop off dry cleaning, or run other errands can save your partner time and reduce their to-do list. This is especially helpful if they have a busy schedule.
Preparing a meal: Preparing a lunch or snack for your partner to take to work or enjoy during the day shows you care about them.
3. Take supportive actions
Helping with projects: Whether it’s a home improvement project, work-related task, or personal hobby, offering your help shows that you’re invested in your partner’s interests and are willing to contribute your time and effort.
Offering a ride: Providing transportation or companionship when needed, whether to a doctor’s appointment, work, or an event, shows that you’re there to support them.
Taking on responsibilities during stressful times: If your partner is going through a particularly busy or stressful period, stepping up to take over some of their responsibilities can be meaningful. This might include handling bills, managing household tasks, or taking care of children.
4. Recognize special occasions
Planning a surprise: Organizing a surprise event or outing tailored to your partner’s interests can create special memories and show that you’re thinking about them.
Organizing an event: Hosting a gathering for friends or family, or planning a special celebration for a birthday or anniversary, demonstrates effort and thoughtfulness.
Creating a comfortable environment: Making sure your home is cozy and welcoming, whether by lighting candles, setting up a movie night, or arranging a quiet space for relaxation, shows that you’re attentive to their need for comfort.
4 ways to receive acts of service mindfully
For those whose love language is acts of service, receiving these actions from a partner can be deeply meaningful, so it’s important to communicate your needs and recognize your partner's efforts.
1. Express your gratitude
Acknowledge efforts: A simple thank you goes a long way in showing that you value your partner’s efforts when they do something helpful.
Show your appreciation: Let your partner know that their actions made a positive impact on your day with a hug, a smile, or a note of thanks.
Positive reinforcement: Regularly expressing gratitude creates a positive feedback loop in your relationship and encourages your partner to continue offering acts of service.
💙 Practice the habit of gratitude with Calm’s 7 Days of Gratitude meditation series.
2. Practice open communication
Share your needs: Be clear about which acts of service are most meaningful to you. Let your partner know what makes you feel loved and supported — and don’t be afraid to be specific.
Discuss preferences: Have a conversation about your preferences and needs. This ensures that your partner understands what you find most helpful and how they can best support you.
Provide feedback: If your partner's actions don't fully meet your needs, gently provide feedback. Explain what you appreciate and how they might adjust their efforts to be even more helpful.
💙 Learn the art of Kind Communication and how to implement it in your relationships.
3. Reciprocate positive actions
Find ways to reciprocate: Show your love and appreciation by offering acts of service that resonate with your partner. If their love language is different, find ways to express love in a way that aligns with their preferences.
Balance the give and take: Relationships thrive on mutual support. Make an effort to support your partner in ways that are meaningful to them.
Be proactive: Anticipate your partner's needs and offer help before they ask. This shows that you’re attentive and willing to make their life easier, just as they do for you.
💙 Nourish your relationship with help from the Love and Relationships series.
4. Embrace mindfulness
Recognize the effort: Be mindful of the time and effort your partner puts into their acts of service. Even small gestures often require thought and planning.
Value the intention: Understand that acts of service are expressions of love. Appreciate the intention behind the action, even if it’s not done perfectly or exactly how you would do it.
Reflect on the impact: Take a moment to reflect on how these acts of service improve your life. This mindfulness helps you fully appreciate and cherish your partner's efforts.
💙 Learn how to Be Here, Be Present in order to recognize the efforts of your partner.
How to find your love language
If you aren’t sure what your love language is or you want to find your partner’s, check out our article, “How to find your love language.”
The five love languages:
Physical touch: Learn how physical affection can strengthen your relationship.
Words of affirmation: Witness how verbal expressions of love can solidify your bond.
Acts of service: Discover how actions for your partner can show you care.
Receiving gifts: Understand how thoughtful gifts can make your partner feel cherished.
Quality time: Find out how spending mindful time together can deepen your connection.
Acts of service love language FAQs
What are some creative acts of service that can make a big impact on my partner?
Creative acts of service go beyond everyday chores and can show your partner that you put thought and effort into making them happy. This can be as simple as planning a surprise date, creating a personalized care package for them before they leave town, taking on a household project, or giving them an “evening off” to do whatever they’d like to do.
How can I balance giving acts of service with maintaining my own needs and boundaries?
Balancing acts of service with your own needs is important for a healthy relationship. While giving to your partner can feel good, don’t forget to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Communicate your limits with your partner so they know what you can and cannot do. Make time for self-care and remember you can always ask for them to partner with you on tasks and household chores. It can be fun to alternate giving each other a day or night off to relax as a gift. And scheduling these times in advance can help you create time for it and give you each something to look forward to!
Are acts of service more important in certain stages of a relationship?
Acts of service are always important, but they can be particularly impactful at certain stages of a relationship or during particular life circumstances. Early stages of courtship can be a nice time for acts of service. It lets your partner know that you can be relied upon and that you care. Busy and stressful times (for one partner) can be great opportunities for the other partner to jump in, help and share the load. Life transitions like empty nest transitions, the death of a loved one, moving, or even starting a new job can be opportune times for the less stressed partner to jump in and give to the other. Times of tumult in the relationship can also be balanced or eased with acts of service to show each partner that the other is willing to work through any conflict or relationship issues.
How can I incorporate acts of service into a long-distance relationship?
Maintaining acts of service in a long-distance relationship requires creativity and extra thoughtfulness.
Send care packages: Mail your partner boxes filled with their favorite snacks, books, or other thoughtful items that show you’re thinking of them.
Order local services: Arrange for local services like house cleaning, grocery delivery, or meal delivery to make their life easier from afar.
Virtual support: Help them with online tasks such as booking appointments, managing finances, or researching solutions to their problems.
Be helpful when you’re visiting: When you’re together, take the opportunity to do things that lighten their load.
Stay connected: Regularly check in with your partner to ask if there’s anything you can do to support them. Sometimes, a listening ear and emotional support can be as impactful as physical acts of service.
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