How to find your love language: 5 ways to give & receive love
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn about the 5 love languages and how to find your partner’s (and your own) in order to build stronger emotional connections with your loved ones.
While our favorite books and movies might tell us that the best way to express love is to say, “I love you,” the truth is that it’s not always that simple. Have you ever given a gift to someone who didn’t seem to fully appreciate it? Or felt like your partner would rather cuddle on the couch than go on a fancy trip with you? The ways in which people prefer to give and receive love can vary — and these differences may best be explained by learning about our love languages.
In an effort to help people better understand and interact in their relationships, Gary Chapman, PhD, introduced the concept of the five love languages in 1992. These have nothing to do with what language you speak, but are instead about the ways you prefer to give and receive love.
According to Dr. Chapman, these five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. By understanding your love language—and your partner’s—you can improve communication and deepen your bond.
What are love languages?
Dr. Chapman first introduced the idea of the five love languages in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
Love languages refer to the specific ways people prefer to receive love in relationships. Knowing yours can help you understand and communicate what makes you feel loved — and understanding your partner’s can make it easier for you to express how much you care in a way that is meaningful to them. This can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
What are the 5 love languages?
In his book, Dr. Chapman explained that there are five different ways people experience love.
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
People who prefer this love language feel loved when they hear words of encouragement, compliments, and kind words. Telling your partner you appreciate them, praising their efforts, or simply saying, "I love you" can go a long way. One of the best ways to practice this love language is to verbally affirm your partner’s efforts. If they cooked you a nice dinner, you might delight them by sharing how delicious it is, or how much you appreciate their effort, rather than just diving in and cleaning your plate.
Love language #2: Acts of service
For those who value acts of service, actions speak louder than words. Doing things to help your partner, like cooking dinner, cleaning the house, or running errands, shows you care. If you know your partner is going to have a very busy day ahead of them, taking care of errands or household chores while they work can give them the time and space they need to relax at the end of the day. You don’t need to clean the whole house, but maybe you pick up the dry cleaning and make sure the fridge and pantry are stocked.
Love language #3: Receiving gifts
This love language isn't about materialism but the thoughtfulness behind the gift. People who feel loved through receiving gifts appreciate the effort and consideration in choosing something that shows you were thinking of them. It can be anything from a small token (like picking a flower from the garden or buying their favorite candy bar from the store) to a grander, more significant gesture (like a carefully wrapped gift or tickets to a once-in-a-lifetime concert).
Love language #4: Quality time
Those who prioritize quality time feel most loved when they have your undivided attention. Spending time together, having meaningful conversations, and sharing activities are key. This means being present and engaged without distractions like phones or computers. This might involve answering fun get-to-know-you questions to deepen your bond, or setting aside time to go for a walk after dinner.
Love language #5: Physical touch
For some, physical touch is the primary way they feel loved. This includes hugs, kisses, holding hands, and other forms of physical connection. Touch can be comforting, reassuring, and a way to express affection. Physical touch isn’t always limited to sex or sexual intimacy, though that can be a healthy part of this love language.
How to find your love language in 4 easy ways
Taking time to find your love language can help you communicate your needs in a relationship and understand your partner better. Your love languages can evolve over time as you grow and your relationship dynamics change, so it's important to reassess your love language periodically to ensure it still aligns with your current needs and preferences.
1. Take the love language quiz
The official love language quiz is a quick and easy way to determine your primary love language. You can find this quiz in Dr. Chapman's book or on his website. The quiz will ask you about different scenarios and how you’d feel most loved in each one. Based on your answers, it will identify your primary love language and provide insights into your secondary love languages.
Once you have your results, take some time to reflect on whether they resonate with your experiences and feelings. This can help you better understand your love language and see how it affects your relationships.
2. Think about how you experience and show love
When was the last time you felt fully loved and appreciated? Perhaps it was when your boss praised you for your latest work (words of affirmation could be your thing) or maybe you felt love most deeply when your partner enveloped you in a huge bear hug (physical touch might be your primary love language).
Try reflecting on the way you respond to different expressions of love. Do you feel more appreciative when your spouse empties the dishwasher or would you prefer them to prioritize time for a date night?
It can also help to consider how you typically show love and affection to those you care about. Do you often compliment people, help them with chores, buy them gifts, spend quality time with them, or give them hugs and pats on the back? Your methods of expressing love can also indicate your love language.
3. Experiment with the different love languages
Exploring each love language is part of the fun of learning about them. Try different ways of expressing and receiving love and pay attention to how each makes you feel. Do you feel most appreciated when your partner praises you verbally, or gives you a hug? Notice which actions make you feel the most appreciated and valued. You can even treat it as an experiment with your partner by asking them to try different love languages and share what they observe about your responses.
4. Get feedback from loved ones
Sometimes, those closest to you can offer valuable insights into your love language. Ask friends, family, or your partner how they see your ways of giving and receiving love. Their observations might help you see patterns you hadn't noticed before.
Sharing your findings with those around you can help start conversations that might promote better communication and connection with your people. Maybe someone in your life has been eager to tell you that they appreciate acts of service more than gifts. The more you explore your tendencies, the more you may be curious to explore other people’s emotions and preferences too.
How to find your partner’s love language in 4 ways
Getting curious about your partner’s love language can be a strong foundation for building a supportive relationship. When you know how your partner feels most loved, you can tailor your actions to meet their needs more effectively, helping them feel seen and appreciated.
1. Talk to your partner about how they like to give and receive love
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about their preferences and love language. Simply asking, "What makes you feel most loved?" can provide clear insights.
If they’ve never come across the concept of love languages before, explain the five love languages to your partner and talk about which ones resonate with them. Having a direct conversation about love languages opens up the lines of communication and can actually be a fun way to connect. Talk about specific instances when each of you felt most loved. Sharing these moments can highlight your partner’s love language and strengthen your connection.
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2. Notice how your partner shows love
People often express love in the way they prefer to receive it. If your partner frequently gives compliments or performs acts of kindness, these might be clues to their love language (words of affirmation and acts of service, respectively). Take note of what makes your partner light up or seem especially happy. Do they seem most pleased with verbal praise, physical affection, meaningful gifts, time spent together, or helpful actions?
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3. Test out different love languages with your partner
Try expressing love in various ways and observe your partner’s reactions. Pay attention to which actions elicit the strongest positive responses from your partner. Do they light up when you tell them how wonderful they are — or are they more responsive when you clear the dishwasher without being asked? If you give them a gift, do they seem more delighted than the average person might, or does it seem to mean more to them when you plan a date night?
Based on your observations, adjust your approach to align more closely with your partner’s love language. This trial-and-error method can help you fine-tune your efforts.
4. Plan a date night to dive deeper into your love languages
Make it fun! Plan some time together to discuss love languages where you can take the quiz together and learn more about what makes you both feel loved and appreciated. After you finish, discuss your results and how you can use this information to improve your relationship.
Together, come up with some ways to incorporate each other’s love languages into your daily lives, making a plan to regularly express love in ways that are fun and meaningful to both of you.
So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, figure out what actionable steps you can take to meet their needs. That might look like making an effort to give them a hug in the morning or sitting more closely together on the couch when you’re binge-watching your fave show.
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Clues for guessing your partner's (or someone else's) love language
Still not sure? Pay attention to small, everyday behaviors and preferences, like the clues below, to help you discover someone's love language.
If their love language is words of affirmation…
They often compliment you and others.
They frequently express appreciation and gratitude.
They enjoy writing and receiving notes, letters, or texts that convey affection.
They respond positively to verbal praise and kind words.
If their love language is acts of service…
They often go out of their way to help you with tasks or chores.
They seem particularly happy when you do something helpful for them.
They appreciate it when you offer to run errands or take care of responsibilities.
They often say things like, "It means a lot when you help me."
If their love language is receiving gifts…
They give thoughtful gifts on special occasions and sometimes even randomly.
They cherish and display the gifts they receive.
They remember the gifts you've given them and talk about them often.
They feel deeply appreciated when you surprise them with something special.
If their love language is quality time…
They value spending one-on-one time with you without distractions.
They get excited about planning and doing activities together.
They seem happiest during deep, meaningful conversations.
They often suggest doing things together, like going for a walk or having a meal.
If their love language is physical touch…
They frequently initiate physical contact, like hugging, holding hands, or cuddling.
They feel reassured and loved through physical closeness.
They seem particularly content when you sit close or touch them gently.
They often reach out to touch you affectionately, even in small ways.
How to find your love language FAQs
What if my partner’s primary love language is different from mine?
It’s common for partners to have different love languages. Here’s how to navigate this difference while still maintaining your connection.
Educate yourself about your partner’s love language and explain the nuances of yours. Understanding the differences can create empathy and patience.
Actively try to express love in your partner’s primary love language, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. This shows your commitment to meeting their needs. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you might leave them a love note on their nightstand, or packed with their lunch.
Discuss how each of you can incorporate the other’s love language into your daily lives. Open communication helps in finding ways to meet each other’s needs.
Look for overlapping areas where you both feel loved and appreciated. This can help in creating a balance that satisfies both of you.
Practice patience with yourself and your partner as you learn and grow together. It might take time to adjust to speaking a different love language.
What are the most common love languages?
The most common love languages can vary, but studies and surveys often show certain trends. It's important to note that each person's love language is unique, and what is common for one group might not be for another.
Quality time and words of affirmation are frequently reported as the most common love languages. Many people feel most loved when they receive undivided attention and hear kind, affirming words from their partner.
Many people also value acts of service and physical touch. For some, having a partner who helps with tasks or shows affection through physical contact is important for feeling loved and connected.
Receiving gifts tends to be less common but is still significant for those who prefer it. People who value this language appreciate the thoughtfulness and effort behind gifts, seeing them as a tangible expression of love.
Which is the best love language?
There is no best love language, as each love language is valuable and important. The effectiveness of a love language depends on the person receiving it.
All love languages are important: Every love language represents a different way of expressing and receiving love. What matters most is that you understand and respect both your own and your partner's love languages.
Tailor your approach to your partner: The best love language is the one that resonates most with your partner. By expressing love in the way that makes your partner feel most appreciated, you strengthen your relationship and create a deeper emotional connection.
Be flexible and adaptable: People's love languages can change over time due to personal growth or changes in the relationship. Regularly reassess and adapt to ensure you continue to meet each other's emotional needs.
Focus on mutual understanding and communication: Open and honest communication about love languages can enhance your relationship. Discussing your preferences and needs helps both partners feel valued and understood.
Can you have more than one love language?
Yes, you can have more than one love language. Many people find that while one love language tends to dominate the ways in which they prefer to receive love, multiple love languages also resonate with them. It's natural to have a primary love language that makes you feel most loved and appreciated, along with one or two secondary love languages that also play an important role.
Having more than one love language means you might appreciate different ways of expressing and receiving love depending on the situation. For example, you might feel most loved through quality time but also highly value words of affirmation and physical touch. Talking about your various love languages with your loved ones can help to strengthen your emotional bond and improve your communication. It can also be a fun exercise to sit down with your partner and rank all five and see how you align and where you differ.
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