What is dismissive-avoidant attachment? Plus, how to deal with it
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what dismissive-avoidant attachment is, its traits, causes, and possible impacts. Plus, how to deal with a partner with this attachment style.
We all form relationships differently—thanks, in part, to our attachment style—so while some people have difficulty with falling into connections too quickly, other people may struggle with letting anyone in at all. If the idea of opening up and sharing their struggles, emotions, and experiences makes a person want to run away and hide, there's a chance they could have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
People who are dismissive-avoidant may seem distant or detached, especially when going through a tough time like grief, loss, or any major change, prefer to handle things on their own rather than rely on others. This type of self-soothing for people with this attachment style can lead to misunderstandings in relationships, especially with people who have differing ways of relating. In general, forming close connections can be hard, but becoming close to someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be especially challenging.
If you or someone you care about tends to avoid emotional closeness, they may have this kind of attachment style. And while it can be challenging to nurture relationships of any kind with a person who operates this way, it isn’t impossible. Here’s what we know.
What is dismissive-avoidant attachment?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style refers to a pattern of behavior that can make emotional connections difficult.
According to attachment theory, insecure or avoidant attachment styles typically develop in childhood, often because someone grew up in an environment where their emotional needs weren’t fully met.
If a child learns that expressing their emotions doesn’t lead to the comfort or support they need, they might start to believe it’s better to keep their feelings to themselves. Over time, this can turn into a strong preference for independence and self-reliance that lasts into adulthood.
5 traits of dismissive-avoidant attachment style
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles often display certain traits that can make emotional closeness challenging. It’s easy to observe these behaviors and take them personally, but the truth is that these traits have nothing to do with you.
Emotional distance: They may tend to keep their emotions and thoughts to themselves, often appearing emotionally unavailable or detached.
Independence: You may observe a strong focus on self-reliance, avoiding relying on others for support.
Difficulty with intimacy: They may struggle to open up emotionally or become uncomfortable when others try to get close.
Dismissive attitude: They may downplay the importance of relationships, perhaps prioritizing work, hobbies, or personal goals.
Avoidance of conflict: You may observe them avoiding discussions about relationship issues or feelings.
What causes dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
Attachment styles can be influenced by the way people were cared for as a child, and how their emotional needs were (or weren’t) met.
Early life experiences may teach a child to protect themselves by avoiding emotional vulnerability. Situations like parents divorcing, being bullied at school, or even just being a highly sensitive child require care and attention from a parental figure to address. If this need isn’t met, as the child grows into adulthood, this lack of emotional care can make it difficult for them to form close, intimate relationships.
Understanding the causes isn’t about placing blame, but appreciating how these patterns can develop. It’s possible to address underlying issues and work toward healthier ways of connecting with others.
Emotional neglect in childhood
If a child grows up in an environment where their emotions aren’t acknowledged, valued, or responded to, they may start to believe their feelings don’t matter. Perhaps they were told to be quiet when they cried, or they were dismissed if they needed a hug. Over time, they might learn that it’s safer to keep emotions to themselves rather than express how they feel. This can lead to the emotional distance seen in dismissive-avoidant attachment.
Overemphasis on independence
While independence is important, some parents discourage children from asking for help or expressing vulnerability. If a child knows their parents will get upset if they break a glass, or if they ask for help with homework, they may learn to handle these situations on their own. This overemphasis on self-reliance can lead a child—and the adult they become—to believe they must always handle things alone, even in situations where support or connection might help.
Inconsistent caregiving
If a child’s needs are sometimes met, but other times ignored, the unpredictability can make them feel unsure about whether they can count on others. If they go to a parent or caregiver for comfort after hurting themselves, and they’re consoled sometimes and pushed aside other times, this may create anxiety and distrust in a child. As a result, they may start to distance themselves emotionally, believing it’s better to be self-sufficient than risk being let down.
Early experiences of rejection
When a child feels rejected, whether through outright dismissal or subtle forms of neglect, they may start to believe they’re better off not relying on anyone to protect themselves from further hurt. While this rejection can come from anyone, like a dismissive teacher or bully on the playground, it’s most impactful coming from a parent or primary caregiver. This type of dismissal can be seen when a parent doesn’t want to play with their child, doesn’t have time to listen to their worries or feelings, or simply acts like they don’t have time for them.
Modeling of behavior by caregivers
If a child’s caregivers are emotionally distant or avoidant themselves, the child might learn similar behaviors. They may see this as the “normal” way to interact with others, leading them to develop the same attachment style. Kids notice everything, even the small moments parents think they don’t see. If a child notices that their parent doesn’t comfort another family member while they’re going through something hard, or if they tell someone to stop crying when they’re sad, a child may think this is the appropriate way to handle emotions.
6 possible impacts of dismissive-avoidant attachment style
While a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be a way of protecting yourself from emotional pain, it can also create challenges that affect both you and your relationships. Relationships are all about connection and support and if someone struggles in those areas, it can be hard to form a bond with them.
1. Strained relationships: Keeping others at a distance can make your partners feel neglected, unimportant, or unloved. Emotional distance can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of connection, which can make it difficult to build a strong, supportive relationship.
2. Difficulty maintaining long-term relationships: Avoiding intimacy and preferring independence can cause relationships to fizzle out over time. If partners become frustrated with your lack of emotional engagement, it can lead to ongoing relationship struggles and even breakups.
3. Loneliness and isolation: Keeping others at a distance can mean you miss out on the deep connections that provide emotional support and fulfillment. Even though you might not openly seek out these connections, the lack of close relationships can leave you feeling alone and misunderstood.
4. Inability to express emotions: You may suppress your feelings, because you’ve learned it’s safer to do so. This can lead to internalized stress and may contribute to mental health issues like anxiety or depression.
5. Difficulty with trust and vulnerability: If you’ve learned to rely on yourself, letting someone else in can feel risky. This can make it hard to form deep, trusting relationships, even when you care deeply about someone.
6. Challenges in parenting: You may unintentionally repeat the patterns you experienced in your own childhood, over-emphasizing independence and downplaying the importance of emotional expression. This can create a cycle where your children also develop avoidant attachment styles.
How to mindfully deal with dismissive-avoidant attachment style in a partner
If your partner has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, it can be challenging to navigate the relationship, especially when emotional closeness is important to making a relationship thrive. By learning more about your partner’s attachment style, and adopting a few mindful strategies, couples can begin to nurture a healthier, fulfilling, more connected relationship that feels emotionally safe and supportive for the both of them.
Dealing with dismissive-avoidant attachment in a partner isn’t about changing who they are, but finding ways to connect that honor both your needs. However, sometimes dating a partner who’s dismissive-avoidant may not be for you. Perhaps it’s triggering for your attachment style or has taken a toll on your mental health and wellbeing. If this is the case, it’s okay to take a break or end the relationship. The goal here isn’t to make something work just for the sake of it — the goal here is to ensure your needs are being met, too.
1. Respect their need for space
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment often feel overwhelmed by too much emotional closeness, so give them the room they need when they’re showing signs of stress. This doesn’t mean withdrawing completely or ignoring your own needs — find a balance where they feel comfortable while you still feel connected. Let them know you’re there for them, but don’t push them to open up or engage more than they’re ready for.
💙 Learn to set boundaries (and respect your partner’s boundaries) with guidance from The Daily Trips’ A Secret to Better Boundaries.
2. Communicate openly and gently
A partner who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may not be used to or comfortable with deep emotional conversations, so approach these gently. Express your feelings without placing blame or making them feel pressured. You might say, “I feel closer to you when we talk about our feelings, but I understand it’s not always easy for you. How can we find a way that works for both of us?” This may help them feel more at ease and less defensive.
💙 Learn how to have meaningful conversations and encourage emotional connection that works for everyone with the Daily Jay’s Deeper Communication session.
3. Focus on building trust
Your partner may have learned early on that relying on others isn’t safe, so building trust can take time. Be consistent in your actions and words, showing them they can count on you. Over time, this can help them feel more secure in the relationship, making it easier for them to engage emotionally. Eager to build emotional connection in your relationships? Explore these eight tips for meaningful interactions.
💙 Learn about Building Trust within yourself and with others with this personal story from LeBron James.
4. Set healthy boundaries
Clearly communicate your needs and listen to your partner’s, working together to establish boundaries that work for both of you. For example, if you need more emotional connection, discuss ways to achieve that without overwhelming them. On the other hand, respect their boundaries when they need space or time alone. This mutual respect can help create a balanced relationship where both partners feel valued and understood.
💙 Practice Kind Communication in your conversations with your partner about boundaries with help from Tamara Levitt.
5. Be patient and empathetic
Remember their avoidant behavior isn’t about you — it’s a way they’ve learned to protect themselves from potential hurt. If pausing isn’t your strong suit, here are seven ways to cultivate more patience.
Try to understand where your partner may be coming from and why they might pull back or seem distant. Acknowledge the effort they’re making, even if progress seems slow. Being patient can help reduce frustration and make it easier for both of you to navigate the relationship.
💙 Check out this session from the Daily Calm on cultivating Patience in your life and connections.
6. Encourage professional support if needed
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, relationship challenges might feel too big to handle by yourselves. Try couples therapy — it can provide a safe space for both partners to explore their feelings and work through the difficulties that come from different attachment styles. A therapist can offer strategies tailored to your specific situation, helping you both communicate more effectively and build a stronger connection.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style FAQs
Is dismissive-avoidant attachment style a personality disorder?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style isn't a personality disorder. Attachment styles develop from early life experiences and influence how we interact, particularly in close relationships. While a dismissive avoidant attachment style may pose relationship challenges, it's not classified as a mental health disorder.
What causes dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment comes from experiences in early childhood. If emotional needs aren't consistently met, a child might keep emotions inside, because depending on others feels risky.
If parents focus too much on independence, it can discourage children from seeking support from others. This can affect how we form relationships later on, making it tough to create deep, trusting bonds.
How can mindfulness and meditation help with dismissive-avoidant attachment?
Using mindfulness to get a better handle on your emotions and reactions can help you understand why you tend to avoid getting too close to others. This can help you realize when you're pulling away out of habit, rather than real need.
Meditation can be useful for bringing a sense of calm and easing any anxiety linked to feeling vulnerable.
What are common challenges in relationships with dismissive-avoidant people?
A loved one with dismissive-avoidant attachment might seem aloof, steering clear of deep connections and heartfelt talks. This can make their partner feel unappreciated.
Another issue could be favoring independence over intimacy, which can cause an emotional gap. Communication can be tough, too. If conflicts and key issues aren’t addresseds properly, the relationship might feel stuck.
How do childhood experiences influence attachment styles?
The way caregivers meet a child's emotional needs can affect their relationships for life. For instance, if caregivers are responsive and nurturing, the child tends to form secure attachments and feel safe about getting close to others.
In dismissive-avoidant attachment, a child might've had caregivers who ignored their emotional needs. If a caregiver was distant, or pushed the child to be overly independent, the child could end up bottling up emotions and relying only on themselves. This can make them see emotional closeness as unnecessary or even risky, leading them to avoid relationships as they grow.
Sometimes, inconsistent caregiving—where a child only gets emotional support sometimes—can mean the child learns that depending on others is unpredictable and not worth it.
These early lessons may be powerful. But with awareness, support, and effort, these patterns can be changed.
What are the biggest signs that someone might have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
There are a few key signs that someone might have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
Emotional distance: They keep their feelings to themselves and prefer not to get close to others. They may avoid deep conversations and stick to more surface-level chats.
Valuing independence: They take pride in being self-reliant. They might dodge leaning on others, even when it could help.
Downplaying the importance of relationships: They tend to focus more on work or hobbies than building emotional ties. It's not that they don't care about people, but they wish to guard themselves by not getting too emotionally invested.
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