Are your in-laws toxic? Here’s how to deal
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Yes, having toxic in-laws is a real thing. Learn what it means to have toxic in-laws, the signs, and what not to do. Plus, 8 ways to set mindful boundaries with them.
When you fall in love and get married you’re not just partnering with one person, you’re partnering with their family too. And while you’ve likely spent your whole life learning how to navigate your own family and all their personalities and idiosyncrasies, learning to get along with your partner’s family can be a new adventure.
But this adventure can turn into a challenge if your in-laws exhibit toxic behavior. Whether it’s overstepping boundaries, or having outright conflict, many people struggle to maintain a peaceful relationship with their partner’s family when toxic behavior is involved.
It’s important to note that not all in-laws are toxic, and using that label can sometimes do more harm than good. But, if you’re finding it difficult to get along with your in-laws and it’s affecting your wellbeing, building your boundaries is important.
What does it mean to have toxic in-laws?
The term “toxic” is often used to describe behaviors that are consistently harmful or damaging to your wellbeing. These could be behaviors that are manipulative, controlling, or consistently disrespectful. In some cases your in-laws might disregard your personal boundaries, create conflict within your marriage, or even attempt to control your relationship with your partner.
Toxicity can also show up in more subtle ways like passive-aggressive comments, backhanded compliments, or an ongoing pattern of making you feel unwelcome or unworthy.
8 signs that your in-laws’ behavior might be toxic
Relationships naturally have ups and downs, and it’s normal to have disagreements occasionally. But if you find that these negative interactions are happening frequently, or if your gut is telling you that something is just off, it may be time to take a closer look at the dynamics at play. Here are some common signs that your in-laws might be exhibiting toxic behavior.
1. They don’t respect your boundaries
If your in-laws repeatedly ignore your wishes or try to control your decisions, this is a major red flag. Let's say you have children and you don’t like to feed them sugar. If your in-laws disregard your boundaries and give your children sweets repeatedly, even after discussion, this could be a sign of toxic behavior. Hoping to learn to set better boundaries? Check out these nine tips for setting healthy ones.
2. They create drama and conflict
Some in-laws might thrive on drama, constantly stirring up trouble between you and your partner or other family members. Perhaps you made an innocent joke about a family member but your words were twisted to create drama, that could be a sign that toxic behavior is in play.
3. They’re overly critical or judgmental
If your in-laws are always putting you down, questioning your choices, or making you feel inadequate, this can be emotionally draining. Maybe you’ve just had a baby and your body is recovering, making comments about how much weight you’ve gained would be an example of toxic behavior.
4. They try to undermine your relationship
Let’s say your in-laws disparage you to your partner, or tell your partner that they could do better. Whether it’s through subtle comments or outright interference, some in-laws may try to create rifts between you and your partner.
5. They play the victim
Some people never take responsibility for their actions, instead blaming you or others for any issues. Perhaps you’ve asked your in-laws not to arrive unannounced but they keep doing it and then blame you for not wanting to see them. Toxicity alert!
6. They manipulate through guilt
If your in-laws use guilt to get what they want, like making you feel bad for setting boundaries, this is a common toxic behavior. Repeated guilt trips about how you don’t call enough, or how you don’t come visit enough could be a sign of toxic behavior. Explore these six tips for not feeling guilty all the time.
7. They’re controlling
In any marriage where each partner has family, it’s a balancing act trying to see everyone. But if your in-laws are constantly hounding you about how you spend holidays, or if they insist on being involved in every decision, even if they try to control your partner’s time and attention, this level of control is a clear sign of toxic behavior.
8. They’re dismissive of your feelings
Maybe you’ve tried to verbalize your feelings, or boundaries and are met with eye rolls or scoffs. If your in-laws regularly dismiss your feelings or opinions, this is another red flag. They might brush off your concerns, tell you you’re overreacting, or ignore your requests entirely.
Why using the term “toxic” might cause further issues
Labeling someone as “toxic” can feel validating when you’re dealing with difficult in-laws, but it’s a term that can have unintended consequences, so tread lightly. The word toxic is strong, and it can solidify negative perceptions, making it harder to see any potential for positive change. When you label someone as toxic, it can also lead to an “us vs. them” mentality, where every interaction becomes a battle. This can make it more difficult to resolve conflicts as the focus shifts from the specific behavior that needs to change to a broader, more personal criticism.
Additionally, the way you speak about your in-laws to your partner could cause tension in your relationship. They’ve probably known their family a lot longer than they’ve known you and those bonds could run deep. They might feel defensive, especially if they don’t see their family the same way. It’s important to approach these situations carefully, focusing on specific behaviors and how they affect you rather than resorting to labels that could escalate the situation.
Instead of thinking of your in-laws as toxic, it might be more helpful to consider the specific behaviors that are causing problems. By addressing these behaviors directly, you can avoid the pitfalls of labeling while still protecting your own mental health and setting the boundaries you need.
What not to do in potentially toxic in-law relationships
When you’re dealing with in-laws you feel have toxic behavior, it’s easy to fall into certain traps that can make the situation worse. While their behavior might make you stark-raving mad, it’s important to try and keep your cool and respond—as opposed to react—to them.
Don’t engage in tit-for-tat behavior: When your in-laws behavior frustrates you it can be tempting to respond in kind. However, meeting toxic behavior with more toxic behavior only escalates the conflict. If your in-laws make a snide remark, responding with another insult might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t help resolve the underlying issues. Instead, stay calm and composed, and focus on de-escalating the situation. These 18 grounding techniques can help to settle your body and mind in sticky in-law situations.
Don’t badmouth your in-laws to your partner: While it’s important to communicate your feelings to your partner, constantly criticizing their family can create additional stress in your relationship. Your partner may feel caught in the middle, torn between their loyalty to you and their family. Instead of venting, try to have a constructive conversation about how the behavior affects you and what you both can do to address it.
Don’t expect immediate change: Toxic behaviors are often deeply ingrained, and expecting your in-laws to change overnight can lead to disappointment and further frustration. Change is a process that takes time, and it’s important to manage your expectations. Focus on small victories, like successfully setting and maintaining a boundary, rather than expecting a complete turnaround.
Don’t isolate yourself: While it might be tempting to withdraw from your in-laws completely, isolation can lead to more problems. If you cut off contact without trying other solutions, you may find yourself in a more difficult position later, especially if your partner isn’t on board with the decision. Before you consider cutting ties, explore all other options and have a plan for how to manage the relationship in a way that protects your wellbeing. Instead of running away, try one of these 14 healthy coping strategies when you’re with your in-laws..
Don’t forget your own mental health: Dealing with unfriendly or overbearing in-laws can be exhausting, and it’s important to prioritize your mental health. Make sure you’re taking time for self-care and seeking support when you need it, whether that’s from friends, family, or a therapist. Your mental health is crucial to your ability to handle difficult situations effectively.
How to set boundaries with your in-laws: 8 mindful tips to protect your relationships
Setting boundaries is one of the most effective ways to deal with problematic in-laws. Boundaries are about creating a healthy space for yourself and your relationship, where everyone’s needs are respected. Here are some mindful tips to help you set and maintain boundaries with your in-laws.
1. Communicate your boundaries clearly
Be direct and specific about what you need. If your in-laws tend to drop by unannounced, let them know that you appreciate visits but prefer that they call ahead. It’s important to communicate your boundaries in a calm, non-confrontational way to avoid escalating the situation.
💙 If you need some pointers for setting boundaries, explore this session on Boundaries from our Relationship with Others series.
2. Involve your partner in boundary-setting
Setting boundaries with in-laws is much more effective when your partner is on the same page. Have a discussion with your partner about the boundaries you want to set, and make sure they understand why these boundaries are important to you. Your partner’s support is crucial because it shows a united front, making it more likely that your in-laws will respect your wishes.
3. Stick to your boundaries consistently
Consistency is key when it comes to boundaries. If you set a boundary and then back down the first time it’s challenged, it sends the message that your boundaries aren’t serious. Be firm but polite in enforcing your boundaries, and don’t be afraid to remind your in-laws of them if necessary.
💙 Check out this session on Healthy Boundaries from the Daily Trip.
4. Choose your battles wisely
While it’s normal to feel frustrated with family, not every issue needs to be addressed. Sometimes, letting go of smaller grievances can help you focus on the more important boundaries that truly impact your wellbeing and your relationship. If your in-laws make a comment about your parenting style that you don’t agree with, but it’s not something that affects your day-to-day life, it might be better to let it go rather than turn it into a conflict.
5. Double down on self-care
Dealing with difficult in-laws can be emotionally draining, so it’s important to take care of yourself. Make time for activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it’s spending time with friends, engaging in a hobby, or simply taking a quiet moment for yourself. Taking care of your mental and emotional health will make it easier to handle challenging situations.
💙 If practicing self-care is new to you, explore our series on Radical Self-Care with Lama Rod Owens.
6. Be prepared for pushback
It’s common for people exhibiting toxic behaviors to resist boundaries, especially if they’re used to having their way. Be prepared for some pushback when you start setting limits, and remember that this doesn’t mean you’re wrong to set boundaries. Stay firm, and over time, your in-laws may start to respect the new dynamic.
7. Focus on what you can control
You can’t control how your in-laws behave, but you can control how you respond. Focus on maintaining your own peace of mind and protecting your relationship, rather than trying to change your in-laws’ behavior. Accepting that you can only control your own actions can help reduce stress and make it easier to navigate difficult situations.
💙 When life feels like it’s in chaos, lean into the fact that Control is just an illusion, with this session from the Daily Calm.
8. Seek outside support if needed
If the situation with your in-laws becomes overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek outside support. This could be from a therapist who can help you navigate the complex emotions involved, or from a support group where you can share your experiences with others who understand what you’re going through. Outside perspectives can provide valuable insights and help you feel less alone.
Toxic in-laws FAQs
How can I protect my marriage from my toxic in-laws?
Make sure you and your partner are on the same team, discussing your concerns openly and agreeing on how to handle interactions with your in-laws. A strong partnership where both of you prioritize each other’s wellbeing is the best defense against outside stressors. Protecting your marriage involves open communication, mutual support, and setting boundaries together. Explore these seven ways to communicate your needs in a relationship.
What are the long-term effects of maintaining relationships with toxic in-laws?
Over time, if the toxic behavior isn’t addressed, it can lead to anger, resentment, emotional distance, and even the breakdown of the relationship. That’s why it’s crucial to address these issues early and take steps to protect your mental health and your marriage. Long-term exposure to toxic behavior can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. It can also strain your relationship, creating tension between you and your partner.
Can toxic in-laws change their behavior, and how can I encourage positive change?
Encouraging positive change starts with setting clear, respectful boundaries and communicating your needs calmly and directly. Over time, your in-laws might begin to respect your boundaries and adjust their behavior, but it’s important to manage your expectations and focus on what you can control — your own responses and your relationship with your partner.
Is it ever appropriate to cut off contact with toxic in-laws?
Sadly, in some situations, cutting off contact may be the best option, especially if the toxic behavior is severely affecting your mental health or your relationship. This should be a last resort, after you’ve tried other solutions like setting boundaries and seeking mediation. If you do decide to cut off contact, it’s important to discuss it with your partner and make sure you’re both on the same page.
How can therapy help in dealing with toxic in-laws?
A therapist can also offer guidance on setting boundaries, dealing with guilt, and managing the stress that comes with difficult family relationships. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping strategies, and improve communication with your partner. It can also be particularly helpful if you’re considering cutting off contact, as it can help you navigate the emotional complexities of such a decision.
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